Page 3 of A Highlander for the English Widow

Amanda sighed. “It does not matter now. I just happened to have been married to a very cruel man, and now that marriage is over.”

“What are ye gaeing tae dae now? Will ye return tae England?”

Amanda shook her head. “That is the last thing I want. This place has been more of a home to me than England ever was, and I don’t think any of that is going to change. Hamilton was cruel in his letter, but I think it’s only as cruel as it is because he spoke the truth. No man would want me. They have seen the marriage dissolve, and Hamilton would not have kept the secret. Everyone will know that I am barren, so what man would want to waste their time with me? No, it’s much better that I should remain here, in Stirling. The people may whisper, but at least they do not seek to ignore me or cast me out.”

“Oh nay, and they will nae either. People here adore ye, ma’am. Ye are sae good tae them, especially the wee ones. Elaine haes improved her condition, by the way, and I think it’s because of yer visit and the bread ye gave tae her. I was thinking of bringing her by taemorrow.”

“Of course! I would love to see her,” Amanda said, and then she sighed again. “You may not like me speaking in this impious manner, but I do sometimes wonder why God would give me all this love in my heart yet not bless me with the ability to have children. I suppose He must have a reason, but sometimes it is so difficult to fathom.”

“I wish I could ease yer pain, ma’am, but all I can say is that even if ye dinnae hae wee ones of yer own, ye still make life special for the rest of them. I hae seen ye pay more coin than needed whenever ye buy anything, and the festivals ye hae throughout the year keep them clothed and fed. Everyone is grateful for the efforts that ye make tae keep the people of Stirling safe, especially the children. If the duke could nae hae seen how good ye are with them, then he missed out, and it’s our blessing that ye hae decided tae stay here.”

“Those are kind words, Ann. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thinking about the duke makes me remember what it was like to not be valued, and I suppose it is easy for me to slip into that way of thinking again. I must remember that he is not here any longer and that I can determine the path of my own life. It is strangely liberating to be this free again. I thought I would have to be shackled to him for the rest of my life. I was even prepared for him to call me back to England, but I suppose all of those things will have to be forgotten. Isn’t it funny how we can have all these plans in life and yet so many of them end up being little more than a flicking flame on a candle that becomes extinguished?”

“Aye, ma’am, aye, but I’m sure that ye can find things tae busy yerself with. And who knows, perhaps a man will come intae yer life, one who is kinder than the duke.”

Amanda chuckled a little. “I don’t think that’s going to happen. I don’t have the patience to put up with another man, and I would not wish to punish myself by having another husband. And as I said before, I don’t think anyone would want to be with a woman who can offer them nothing in the way of a future.”

It was a morose statement, but in Amanda’s mind it was true.

She stayed with Ann for a little while before taking herself to bed, where she slipped into the sheets. She had been sleeping alone for such a long time that she had forgotten what it was like to have the bed warmed by another person. There were times when she craved the intimate company of someone else, but after having experienced the realities of marriage, she did not know if anything would be able to come close to the naïve, hopeful dreams of her youth.

During the day she would walk around Stirling. News by now had filtered through of the duke’s death, and people offered her their sympathies. She pretended to be grieving and thanked them for their kind words. She forced herself to speak of her sorrow and how she would miss the duke while knowing that they were lies. The sins piled up one atop the other, and every night she would pray for forgiveness from the Lord. There was something else she prayed for every night as well: that He would grant her the ability to have a child. She did not understand what she had done wrong to be cursed in this way, but it seemed unfair. While she enjoyed spending time with Elaine and the other children of the village, there was still something missing because they were not truly hers. As the days crawled to a close, she would always be behind her closed doors in her big estate, faced with solitude instead of the sound of happy laughter and pattering feet.

It was not the life she had wanted for herself, but it was the one she had been given, so she had to make the most of it. She decided to look forward to the next festival and plan something special for the children of the village. Everyone would understand that she needed something to take her mind off her grief, and perhaps she could even welcome children from other nearby villages. There was no end to the people who needed a little help, and she had so much love in her heart that it seemed wrong not to share it. She firmly believed that God gave everyone talents in this world, and hers was to care.

She just needed to find a way to express it fully.

2

The day was fresh for Logan Stirling. He rose with the dawn, as was his habit, and went outside to perform his exercises. He was thirty years old, with a stocky physique where the angles of his muscles were defined and honed as though they had been expertly sculpted. The keep he lived in was tall and drab grey, weathered over the years. It overlooked the village of Stirling, a place that had thrived over the generations. One day it would all be his as laird, although the future had become bleak the older he had grown.

After he had done his morning rituals, he went to the kitchens and fetched some breakfast for himself and his father. He loaded up two plates with eggs, bacon, chunks of cheese, and thick slices of bread, taking them to his father’s chambers. The laird, Hamish Stirling, was in bed, his face pale, glistening with the sweat from a fever. He had blankets draped over his body, and Logan winced as he entered, hating to see his father in this state.

“How are ye feeling taeday, Da?” Logan asked.

“Fine,” his father wheezed.

Logan helped him into a sitting position and put the food on his lap. Hamish was weak, but he nibbled a few bites and then murmured in satisfaction.

“Keep up like this and it will only be a short time before ye are back on yer feet,” Logan said with a warm smile. “I’m sure all the people are waiting tae greet ye again.”

“I hope sae, but we must talk,” Hamish said, placing a hand on Logan’s arm. He squeezed, intending to grip it tightly, but his strength was not at its usual height. It was just a ghost of a touch, and Logan found himself fearing for the man’s life. “If the worst should happen…”

“It’s nae gaeing tae happen, Da. Ye are gaeing tae recover and resume yer duties as laird. Everything is gaeing tae be well,” Logan said, his voice a blend of denial and hope. Hamish’s watery eyes looked at his son with sympathy, and he sighed.

“But we must speak in case it does happen. I will nae be able tae gae on forever. The village needs a strong laird, a young laird. It needs ye, son,” he said.

“I will never be half the laird ye are.”

“Ye will be. I hae taught ye everything ye need tae know. But ye need tae think about the future. Ye need tae think about the legacy ye are gaeing tae leave behind. This place is special. I dinnae want ye tae be the last of us, Logan. Family is like a chain that runs through time. Each of us are a link, and we must forge a new link for the future. That is the way of things. I…I know things hae been hard for ye before, but ye must think of the future.”

Logan bowed his head. “I shall try, Da,” he said, but his words were heavy with regret and dismay, for he was unsure if he could be the man his father wanted him to be. All the time there was pressure weighing on his shoulders, pushing him down. By now he should have been able to cope with it, but it seemed as though it was always going to be there no matter what.

Hamish ate some more of his breakfast, although it was only half the amount that Logan ate, for he wiped the plate clean. Hamish then grew tired and placed his head back on the pillow, sinking into the soft comfort of his bed. Logan let his father rest and left the room with a heavy heart. There were moments in life where it felt as though time was suffocating him and doom was looming ahead like a specter. He decided to get out of the keep and go into town for a walk in the hopes of clearing his mind. The market was on today, and the variety of goods and merchants offered always gave him a thrill. It had been the same ever since he was a child.

The market was alive with the sounds of merchants selling their wares, conjuring a magic spell with their words, making it seem as though every deal was too good to believe, and every item was some piece of treasure that would never pass this way again. There were colorful garments and trinkets, as well as vegetables from local farms. The stalls were surrounded by people looking to spend their hard-earned coin on something exciting, while the children running around reminded Logan of how he used to be when he was younger. Life in Stirling could often be sleepy and slow, so the market was always an injection of excitement. He smiled as he overheard one child pleading with his parents to buy her something while another child was racing through the market and wasn’t looking where he was going. He collided with Logan, and the impact was enough to send him sprawling to the ground.

Logan chuckled and bent down, offering his hand to help the child up. The mother, a ruddy-faced woman, came rushing up and scolded the boy.