Page 107 of Hexed & Hazy

Rowan

We sink onto the floor and lie there while I catch my breath, our bodies pressed together. His weight is a greater security than it was ever meant to be. One person can’t make me feel this safe. When my heart slows down, my thoughts return…

And we’re together again. For now. But we’re still not partners like I want to be, and it’s an all-too-sobering thought.

And I know what will come next. He’ll cuddle me and whisper sweet things in my ear, things I’m not ready to hear. He’ll bring me snacks, help me in the shower, and hold me until I wake up for work. Those are the things I once requested, but I can’t bear the thought of accepting them anymore.

Because after that, he’ll be gone. Perhaps not the next morning, but the moment something goes wrong, he’ll run away. And how much of that urge to be gone is the hex? How much does he want to run away, as he did with everyone else? More importantly, what does it mean that my insecurities are still so great that I’m doubting him?

As much as I want this to be our time, it still isn’t right. How could I let this happen? How could I still want him so much? He could tell me to spread my legs for him again, even now, and I would.

I push his chest, and he listens, standing up and pulling up his pants. I adjust my clothes. His cum oozes out of me the moment I stand, equal parts arousing and embarrassing.

Uncertainty flickers across his features as he peers down at me, his hands on my elbows. I can’t be mad at him for being unsure. I am too.

“You can go,” I whisper.

He takes a step back as if I’d slapped him. “What do you mean? Go where?”

My jaw clenches. “You’re still hexed, aren’t you?”

“Ro…”

That’s not a ‘no.’

“Whatever we are…” I clear my throat. “It’s not practical anymore. Not if you plan to keep running from me.”

“I don’t plan to run from you. I don’t want to. You know that.”

This isn’t the end, but I can’t deal with it right now. Not when he’s still so uncertain. Not when I am, too. And perhaps it isn’t Seth’s fault, but it hurts. To go so long wanting him, only for it to be ruined time and time again, now that I have him… hurts.

“Please. You got what you came for.”

I regret my words as soon as devastation takes over his features, his eyes big and desperate. “Come on. This isn’t what I came for. I had no idea this would happen.”

I know. Or at least, I want to believe it.

It’s wrong to blame him, but I can’t keep holding and trusting him until I can truly have him, and sometimes, I wonder if that day will ever come. It feels impossible now.

He steps closer, and I don’t move away, but neither of us moves to complete the touch—to hold hands, to hug. Perhaps our proximity isn’t safe now. It doesn’t feel safe for me. One more touch, and I’ll melt again. I’ll give him everything he wants, and I’ll be waiting again.

“I just wanted to see you,” he says earnestly. “I didn’t know it would end like this.”

“What is this ending?” I ask. “Is it one last time, or is it the start of us getting into the same routine? Because I can’t do that anymore. We need a different ending.”

“We’ll have one.”

“I know.” I smile sadly. “But not yet, right?”

“I don’t know what else to do.” Desperation drips from each word, and his lower lip wobbles. “I don’t know how to break this hex. Does that mean all there is to do is wait? How do I know when it’s gone?”

“How am I supposed to know? I wish I could help more, but I can’t.” I run my fingers through my hair. “My magic… I love it. It’s my greatest passion, the real work of my soul, but it’s exhausting me as much as work is. I’m taking a break from it all. From hexes. From spells. From the stars. Everything.”

This is the first time I’ve admitted the toll my magic takes on me. I’ve spent my entire life studying astral magic, and though it doesn’t relate to my career in any way, it’s everything to me. I study astrology from history books, learned ancient languages hardly anyone can speak, and made charms for Ozan’s shop.

And I adored it, but it drained me. I forgot about the me beneath the magic. And spells—whether simple ones for me or hex breakers for Seth—it all became impossible.

I’ll continue my magical studies someday. But not yet.