Page 38 of When In Doubt

I peer at the boy’s face, trying to find anything of him in my memories. There’s a vague impression of a warm smile across a cafeteria, but nothing I can grasp on to.

“How did I not know you?” I murmur, my hand coming up to trace the familiar lines of a younger Oscar’s face as my chest pangs with guilt.

“Maybe I wasn’t that memorable.”

I catch his sad smile in the reflection of the glass. “Don’t say that.”

He nudges his shoulder into mine, then nods at the frame. “That was my first fish.”

I lean closer, eyeing the man who must be his father. “He looks proud.”

“He was. He was the best.”

I frown at his words. “Was?”

“He’s not around anymore.”

“Did he die?” The words are out before I can stop them and I hate the twist of pain they cause across Oscar’s features. Damn it. Why can’t I ever keep my mouth shut?

“Yeah.” His eyes hit the floor, and I wish I could rewind the last ten seconds.

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re fine. Let’s go eat, yeah?”

As soon as I step into the kitchen I’m wrapped in a tight hug, the faint smell of Valerie’s perfume tickling my nose. “Hi, sweetie.”

“Hi,” I mumble into her shoulder, returning her hug probably tighter than I should.

Valerie just lets me, meeting me where I’m at. When we finally separate I have to swallow back a thickness in my throat. I can see Oscar out of the corner of my eye, leaning against the cabinets. The traces of hurt from earlier are gone, replaced by a soft smile that’s the spitting image of his mother’s. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before.

“Let’s eat.” Valerie places her hands on my shoulders and steers me into a chair. My spine is rigid as I watch the two of them, not able to relax. They have such an easy rhythm, it almost feels like I shouldn’t be here. I’ve felt this way so many times, watching from the outside. If I screamed, would either of them hear me?

Valerie heads to the oven and pulls out a dish, waving Oscar away as he hovers, trying to take it from her. “I will not have you stealing my glory, young man.” She flaps a towel at him and he eventually concedes, coming to take the seat opposite me.

“I don’t think anybody’s going to mistake me for the chef, Ma.”

“Just let me have my moment.” She sighs playfully, placing the dish in the center of the table with a flourish. It smells like heaven and looks just as good.

“Thank you for this.” I smile up at her, trying to relax my fingers enough to pick up my fork. She shoots me a wink in response and starts serving the cheesy macaroni.

“Oh shoot.” She winces. “I forgot the salad.”

She turns to go but Oscar stops her, standing to get the bowl from the counter. Before setting the bowl down, he pauses next to me, his elbow almost brushing my shoulder as he raises his eyebrows in question. At my nod he starts piling greens onto my plate, then serves his mom and himself.

As I look at the two of them, now seated around me, there’s a warm little ember sparking to life in my chest. I was nervous coming in, but I also don’t remember the last time somebody cooked for me. There’s so much love here, it seeps from the walls almost like something you can taste.

“I’m planning to swing by the store this week and grab some new needle tips,” Valerie says to me between mouthfuls.

“You swing by every week,” Oscar teases. He isn’t wrong. Valerie’s spending habits are half the reason I’m in the black.

“I have things I need!” she protests.

“Sure you do.”

“You see what I’m dealing with?” She rolls her eyes at me and I grin, taken in by their easy teasing. I don’t think my mom’s ever teased me, not really. I’m sure she always thought I’d take it the wrong way, that she needed to tiptoe. Even before I was diagnosed, she babied me, and it only got worse once she had a name for the way that I am.

“Don’t listen to her, I’m a delight.” Oscar smirks at me in a way that has heat rising to my cheeks.