Page 10 of When In Doubt

He was tough on me this week, but there are no hard feelings. He just wants the best for the crew, and that means running a tight ship.

He sets Birdie down and tilts his head. “What are you up to?”

“Becca said he came in to see that woman,” Joni offers unhelpfully as she approaches the table. Becca. “The craft store lady?”

“I just needed to give her a message.” I take a bite of my sandwich, hoping it’ll protect me from more questions. Luckily Birdie takes the opportunity to try and climb onto her mom, almost falling between the two chairs and causing enough commotion that any further interrogation is forgotten.

Once Birdie is locked into the cage of her dad’s arms, he turns his stare back to me.

“You think any more on what we talked about?”

I grunt at my half-eaten sandwich. Shit. I had really been hoping he wouldn’t bring this up again. I gave him my answer when he mentioned it last month, and another handful of times since, but he won’t drop it.

“Yup,” I say before shoving another bite into my mouth.

“And?”

“And I’m thinking the same thing I told you three days ago.”

“Do I wanna know what this is about?” Joni asks with an exasperated smile.

“I was telling Oscar here what a great captain he’d be,” Mack says.

I give Joni a chagrined smile. “And I told your husband that I’m happy where I am.”

“You’d be a real asset to a station, Murph.” I watch him as he speaks, his blue eyes intent. I know he believes it. He means well, but he’s way off base here. He’s been pushing me to consider going up for the captain’s exam, something I’ve been clear is not happening. I used to want to be a captain so badly, it was all I was working toward, but not anymore.

“And leave your ugly mug?” I roll my eyes, trying to play it off. I’m not ready, and I probably never will be. The thought of being responsible for a whole crew, having them depend on me…It’s too much. I’d only let them down.

Besides, I’d have to leave Cedar Creek, and that’s not an option.

“Just think about it,” he argues.

“I’ll think about it all you want, it’s not gonna change my answer.”

He waves me off. “Fine, but you’ll see that I’m right about this.”

I roll my eyes. “If you say so, boss.”

“How’s the open house coming along?” Joni asks, throwing me a bone.

I give her a grateful smile at the change of subject. Twice a year we throw an open house fundraiser at the station. Usually Mack puts it together, but this time he’s left me in charge. Something about growing my ‘organization and leadership skills’. I know exactly what he’s doing, but he’s been so busy lately that I still jumped at the chance to take it off his plate.

I nod. “Nearly there. Got all the games ironed out, just need to book the last of the food trucks.”

“Sounds like it’s gonna be a lot of fun.” She smiles.

“Should be.” It had better be. I can’t let Mack down on this.

I don’t stay much longer, only enough to finish my lunch. Mack and Joni barely notice my departure, too wrapped up in the easy affection that always surrounds them. It’s a running joke with the crew: as soon as his girls walk in, Mack’s done for. We almost had to ban them from the firehouse, since every time they visit we’re effectively without a captain.

I ruffle Birdie’s hair as I head out, smiling down at their small family and feeling the pang in my chest. I had that once, when my dad would see my mom and me and tune out everything else. He always gave us every part of himself, never holding back on his warmth or affection.

It was the thing I admired about him the most, and the thing I’ll never get back now that he’s gone.

Chapter Five

FREYA