Page 14 of Rock Me

She frowns. I guess she didn’t want to hear that. “In what way.”

“In my work way, I guess. Like tonight? Something huge happened, a big achievement. But I think I didn’t deserve it. I mean, at the time I was stoked, but now, I can’t stop thinking… I didn’t deserve it.” I rub the back of my head, trying to make sense of what I’m feeling.

“Why do you think that? Did you lie or cheat?”

“No,” I shake my head. “I worked hard.”

“Then why do you feel like a fraud?”

“I don’t know. Why do you think?”

“Well, keeping in mind I know nothing about you…” she turns to face me again, and her eyes bore into my skull, rifling around in there, reading my deepest thoughts. “Is this a big dream of yours?”

“The biggest. I mean, it’s not the first time I’ve achieved it… but let’s just say, it’s a new level.”

“Okay. So. Maybe here’s the reason. Maybe you don’t want to have achieved it. Maybe finally attaining the one thing you’ve been chasing your whole life, is now making you feel empty. Like, where do I go from here? But instead of just feeling that, your brain is screwed up and telling you, you didn’t deserve it. That way, you still get to keep trying. Feeling like you’ve got something to live for.”

I think she’s right. Of course she’s right. Who is this woman?

“Or, it could just be, you actually do suck and your brain is trying to tell you that. That you just got lucky.” She shrugs, matter of factly.

“My brain is a fucking bitch!” I declare.

This time her snort is loud and clear. And she doesn’t care. She just keeps laughing and I laugh along with her. Openly, freely. Until there’s no more air left in our lungs to laugh. My whole body aches by the end of it, my stomach muscles trembling from contracting, but it’s the best sort of ache.

“That’s probably the best laugh I’ve had in a decade,” she says, when she’s caught her breath.

“That’s too bad. You have a great laugh.” I tell her, and she rewards me with a smile so sweet, I almost feel bad for the feeling of desire rising up in me.

I look away and run my fingers over my stomach, massaging it, and I look up and she’s watching. Her scrutiny makes the skin on the back of my neck stand up, and I realize in the course of our conversation I’ve inched closer and closer to her, our legs touching at the thigh and all the way down to the knee. I can’t tell if she’s noticed or not, but now I can’t focus on anything else.

I clear my throat and try to move my leg away, but hers just follows, comfortable against mine.

There’s the sound of someone clearing their throat and I look up and see Mike standing in the shadow of the doorway, holding two bottles of water. I reach out and he hands them to me.

“Thanks, Mike,” I say and he nods and disappears back inside.

I open the top and hand one to her. She takes a long, slow sip, her eyes never leaving mine.

“Feeling better?”

“Yeah. Thanks.” She plays with the lid of the bottle for a moment, and then lays her head back against the way, sighing softly.

“I’m 25 today.”

I nod. “So I heard.”

“This is not where I thought I’d be.”

“Here in an alley with royalty?”

“I mean, sure, that’s a real dream come true. Sitting here with someone who’s just been elbow deep in the waste of half of L.A. and all…”

“You’re welcome,” I cut in.

“But I thought. I thought I’d be… more.”

“More than?”