Page 135 of Rock Me

"No. I can't. I want to. God knows, I want to be with you so much, I'd almost give it all up for you. Lose myself in you. Live through you."

"So, come, be with me!”

"No, maybe I would’ve before, but I can't now. I let my injury dictate so much, so much that I was willing to believe something I knew I would never have done. That's not who I am. I don't want to exist just as someone you fell in love with, and you’re trying to recreate. I need to find out who I am."

"Don’t do this. I just got you back, Emmie.” His voice catches, cracking as he calls me by my nickname. It springs tears to my eyes.

"That person doesn’t exist, Jez.”

"You’re not your brain injury.” He catches my hand and presses it to his chest. “You exist in here as well, Emmie. And you exist as this living breathing person in front of me."

If words could make everything alright, those would be it. But it’s not as easy at that. I gently extract my hand from his.

"But I’m not whole."

"You don't have to be. Remember how you once said you wanted every jagged, broken piece of me?"

"I still do, I always will,” I say, hoping at least he will remember that. That this was never about how much I wanted him.

"Then let me do that for you.” His eyes fill with a desperation I know too well, felt too well, just a few months ago.

"I can't. I'm sorry. I... I need to find out who I am, not just try to regain who I was. Maybe now it's your turn, to forget you ever met me.” I reach up and touch the side of Jez Petrescu’s face one last time before I turn and walk towards my house.