Page 125 of Rock Me

"All of what?" My eyebrow raised.

"Family."

"Ah. Well, you have that, too. Your Dad adores you. He spoils me, that’s how much he adores you."

"No, he buys me off. We both know that."

"You and he know that?"

"No, you and me. I think he thinks that he's actually showing love." Her voice is hard, resentful. I wonder what’s brought all this on.

"But he does love you, Paige. I've seen you guys together. He does love you."

She just shrugs. "Sometimes, love is giving someone what they need most. Not just what you can afford to give. And all I ever wanted was his time. And a little attention. But he's never had any of that to spare for me. Never could give me anything that interfered with his precious company."

"I'm sorry it feels that way for you."

"Me too,” she sighs.

"Well, we can't say that my Mom ever tried to buy my love." I think of her having to get up early this morning to take on a shift at the local penny store.

"Maybe I can give her some money? Just a little to help?"

"It's bad enough you paid for my medical expenses. I think that probably keeps her up at night as it is. She doesn’t need your money. babe. You brought me back here, that's more than anything she could’ve asked for."

Paige nods and goes quiet for a few minutes, staring out into the woods across the street. I wonder how many times in her life she’s spent an extended time in a place quiet enough she can hear her own thoughts, not interrupted by car horns and traffic and loud thumping music.

"How do you feel?" she asks, after she comes back from her mind wanderings.

I shrug, truth is I thought coming home with be cathartic, but it's just been a different location for the same thoughts.

I still can't forget him.

Every breath is laced with missing him and mourning what could've been.

All because I made the biggest mistake of my life. One I can't even comprehend myself committing. It makes for a tough time for an already confused brain.

"Do you... want me to call...?"

"No!" I yell. I don’t want either of us to try to contact him. I couldn’t handle more rejection.

She holds her hand up. "Wait, you didn't let me finish. Do you want me to call Chris?"

I instantly shudder at the thought. "Even MORE no!"

"He's been asking about you."

"Look, I don't know what happened there, but I think it's better for the both of us that that just stays dead. You should've seen how he acted the last time I saw him at the hospital. He was such an asshole, totally repulsive. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. I'm glad I saw it in him, it made things a lot easier for me. Less guilt, for sure." And not for the first time, I wondered how I could’ve been with him in the first place.

"Okay, I'm just saying, if you're lonely, nothing wrong with barking up old trees." Paige waggles her eyebrows, reverting back to her old silly self.

"Dude, are you calling me a dog?"

"No, babe, I'm calling you a dawgggg! You hot and you need to get some!" She holds her hands up like paws and pants.

I laugh and grab an old chewed up dog toy on the ground and launch it at her head. She yelps as it bounces off the top of her head and throws me a wounded puppy look.

She opens her mouth to yell something but the sound of a car engine echoing down the quiet street drowns her out. We look at each other, you don't hear that often around here. Downtown L.A., yes. Not in this backstreet of rural Maine.