Page 117 of Rock Me

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

Noémie

Time is ruthless.

It doesn't give a damn about anything, just the relentless pursuit of moving forward.

Never slower, never speeding. Just forward. And it doesn't give a fuck what you want. What you need.

I needed time.

No, I needed time to stop. To give me a chance to process what had happened. One minute I was happier than I ever thought I could be. Next moment it was all ripped away from me. Over something I don't even remember doing. Something I can't even imagine myself doing.

But it didn't stop. So I ask time to move backward.

To a moment when it didn't hurt. When it didn't sting to breathe. To think, to feel. To remember.

And it ignored me and kept ticking away, leaving me to mend my wounds with empty cold comfort and empty platitudes.

I stayed at the Bellagio for a day after Jez left. I kept thinking, he would come back. That this was something we could work through together.

It wasn't until Paige walked through the door that I realized he wasn't coming back. He'd gotten Dennis to get a message to her, to come and get me. To make sure I was alright because he wasn't going to do it himself.

I wanted to hate him for leaving. But I couldn't.

I didn't have room for any hate toward him. I was too busy hating myself.

I've been back in L.A. for a month. And I've barely left our apartment.

Paige has a nurse come visit every few days just to make sure my recovery is coming along as it should. She tries to fill my days with distraction, but there's no changing what has happened.

I almost died. And Jez brought me back to life.

And now he's gone.

Because I was the one who almost killed him.

Karma is one caustic bitch.

"Hey, watcha wanna do today?" Paige asks, coming into my room, pulling the curtains open. "How 'bout we do some shopping? A new pair of shoes might cheer you right up. My treat! Well... Daddy's. He says hello, by the way."

"Ugh," I pull the blanket over my head, trying to cut out the light. "Just... can you just leave me alone!"

She doesn’t say anything, just sighs. I've heard that sigh a hundred times since I've been back. And I know the look that comes with it. I pull the blanket back over my head and she's sitting on the corner of my bed, picking at a loose thread. She lifts her head to look at me, her eyes filled with hurt.

"I'm sorry. I'm not really ready to go out yet."

"But you're not going to get any better just sitting here."

"I won't, I'll have to get a job soon."

"No. You're not ready for that yet. Absolutely not."

"Paige, if I'm well enough to do Rodeo Drive, I'm well enough to find some mindless job. I've got to start paying you back, lord knows how though."

"I've told you before, you don't have to pay me a dime. I'm only glad we could help."

"Thank you. I know I owe you everything."