Page 94 of Serenade Me

Chapter Thirty-one

Anca

I feel nothing.

I feel nothing, I hear nothing, I barely know where I am.

I’ve felt this before.

And I don’t know how I can be here again.

My body jerks and there’s some chatter and someone’s pulling gently on my arm.

“Come with me, hon,” someone says. I think it’s Hailey. “Come on, let’s get you up to your room.”

I know my body’s moving because the sights around me change, but I don’t know how it’s happening. I’m not telling my legs to move, or my body to pitch forward, but it is.

At least there’s that.

At least my body knows what it needs to do, even if I consciously don’t.

I guess that’s what’s keeping my lungs taking in air and my heart beating.

“Sit down, babe. Here, have a drink.”

She’s being so nice.

I ruin everything, all the hard work that all the band and crew do, and I can’t do the ONE thing I’m meant to.

Play the fucking harp.

She’s being so nice and I don’t deserve it.

Somehow that revelation breaks the dam, and I feel my eyes fill with tears.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry!”

“Hey, hey, don’t worry about it. It’s no big deal! Things happen.”

“But… I shouldn’t… I have a problem, and I shouldn’t have gone on stage...”

She frowns, looking even more concerned than she did before. “You’ve had this happen before?”

“Yeah… but I thought I had it under control until the…” I throw my hands up, I don’t even know how to explain it.

“Until what?”

“Just… I guess … I didn’t have it as under control as I thought I did.” My eye catches the display of dahlias on the coffee table. My stomach sinks into the floor. “Wha… um, what is that?”

“Oh, I guess someone brought it in here for you, looks like some flowers from a fan.”

No. Not here, please not here. Not now.

“There’s a note, do you want me to get it?”

“No!... I mean, I have a headache, I don’t really feel like reading anything.”

“Of course, I’ll let you get some rest. Don’t worry about anything, okay? Just get some rest and when the rest of the guys come back, we’ll go grab something to eat.”

“Hailey?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“Thank you.”

“No problem, we’re family, right? Not just cos you’re Jez’s sister, or um, Marius’s girlfriend… or whatever. Just cos you’re you. We’re fam, babe.”

My eyes threaten to flood with tears from her words, so I just smile and she gives me a hug before turning off the light and closing the door quietly behind her.

The flowers loom, even in the dark and I avoid them as I change into a t-shirt.

My senses are starting to return, and now I long for the numbness again.

I can still hear the jeering from the crowd, the look of confusion and worry on Marius face. Jez’s disappointment.

I can still taste the acid in my mouth as I just sat there, frozen.

“I’m not good enough. I should’ve known that. He was right. I’m just not good enough.” The words envelop me in the dark as I lay down, my head sinking into the pillow. There’s comfort in being in this headspace. I know no one will expect anything of me, anymore.