Page 102 of Strum Me

“Drunk! I didn’t want him to see me drunk. I love him so much, but sometimes it was just too much. I didn’t know until I got some help that I had quite severe postpartum depression.”

“Oh babe. No wonder.”

“Anyway, I…I wouldn’t leave the bar, and they threw me out. And I guess…I guess I just fell asleep in an alley somewhere…and forgot to pick up my baby. I forgot to pick up my Ben! Brad. I forgot him.” The words come tumbling out, followed by sobs that break my heart. How could she have held onto all that without breaking apart, I can’t imagine. No wonder she’s so afraid.

Suddenly she stands up, pacing around the room again, mumbling to herself. “I can’t…fuck, this can’t be happening. I can’t lose him.”

“You won’t.”

“You don’t know that!” she screams, her hands grabbing her hair, her face. “All this…all this. It wouldn’t have happened if...”

“What, Emily?”

“It wouldn’t have happened…if I...It wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t on this tour…if …if we...”

“Don’t say it, Emily,” I tell her softly, but firm.

“I’m sorry, but it’s true.” She stops in her tracks, staring at me.

“No.”

“It wouldn’t have happened if we hadn’t run into each other.”

“It’s not why this is happening, Butter.”

“It is, don’t you see, Brad?! We lived a quiet, safe life. Silas was barely a part of it. But now…he’s…he’s trying to compete with you. And he doesn’t like to lose.”

“Then we’ll beat him.”

“We can’t. We can’t, Brad. He’s going to take Ben away. He’s going to find out what happened, and he’s going to take him away. He’s his father.” Her nods anchor each sentence, as if the facts bury themselves in her fear, growing by the second.

“And you’re his mother, and you love him. And I love him. And I…I will protect the both of you. I can do that.” I try to reach for her again, hoping my touch will help ground her, reassure her, but she pushes me away.

“This is wrong…this is all wrong!” Her head shakes side to side, her hair wild around her face.

“Emily.”

“I just…I need some time, Brad.”

“I can’t leave you like this!”

She takes a deep breath, and a strange calmness comes over her. She looks at me through darkened eyes, but her voice is calm “I’m okay. I’m okay. I just need to think. Please. Please, Brad. I just need some space.”

While I can’t fathom leaving her right now, her eyes beg me for time alone.

I wonder if part of loving someone is knowing when they need you, and when they don’t.

“I love you, Emily. That’s all you’ll ever need to know. That and I’ll never leave you. Everything else doesn’t matter. We will make it work,” I tell her, taking her into my arms. She doesn’t push me away, and for a moment, I let myself believe it’s not going to get worse than this.

“Do you really think it’s that simple?” she whispers against my chest.

“I know it when I’m with you.”

She doesn’t say anything, just presses her hand against my cheek, then walks away.