Page 44 of Once Bitten

Chapter Seventeen

I hadn’t tossed and turned in bed so much for as long as I could remember. Usually I collapsed into bed each night, having craved the cool, crispness of my sheets and fluffiness of my pillow hours before I made it to the bedroom for sleep. And I barely had time to turn out the light before I was dead to the world, chasing my thoughts into dreamland before they had a chance to keep me up.

I tried to blame it on jetlag but that could only last so long. I couldn’t blame it on the bed, it was everything I’d ever wanted in a bed, firm but giving, the pillows supportive but not too soft, the sheets like butter under my naked body.

It wasn’t work, Finn had proven to be an incredibly astute and knowledgeable negotiator, he put the French team at ease even though they would’ve normally have been put out that Larry could not attend. By the end, with the exception of Michel the manwhore PA, they were eating out of his hand, charmed by how much an American understood their special French ways.

So what was left?

Why did I even bother to wonder?

“Argggh!” I buried my face into the pillow screaming and kicked my legs. “Fuck!”

My mind went back to a few hours ago, Finn leaning in to kiss me, whispering goodnight and then walking back to his room. We’d agreed in the cab that we weren’t going to talk that night, and that anything that we decided could be done after a good night’s sleep. I scoffed at my past self, thinking that I would be able to sleep after the night that we had had, and with everything still up in the air.

I sat up and took a sip of the lemon water by the bed, looking out the window, losing myself in the view for a few minutes.

I wonder what 17 year old Kara would make of this? On a glamorous business trip to Europe, staying in one of the most luxurious suites in Paris, twenty steps away from Finn O’Reilly’s bedroom. After having had sex with him twice in as many days.

17 year old Kara would be dead from happiness.

I should be dying of happiness, I couldn’t help thinking. If I just forget the past and ignore anything beyond the end of this week, then everything else is perfect. And don’t I deserve that? 10 years of pining after Finn O’Reilly, and come on, even while I was hating him for the last 15 years, I was probably unconsciously pining for him, and now I had the chance to be with him, just BE with him. Shouldn’t I let myself have that? Enjoy life, everyone is always telling me. Maybe I should just listen.

I slipped out of bed, wrapping the bed sheet around me and padded through our joint living room.

Can I really do this? I asked myself as I reached up to knock on Finn’s door. Can I really pretend that nothing else matters and just let myself enjoy the moment? My hand made the decision for me and I heard my knuckles rap gently on the door. It opened almost instantly, his room lit low from the lamp on his nightstand. He was dressed in just a pair of boxers and there was a pair of black rimmed glasses on his face. I’d never seen him wear glasses before, and it somehow made him even more handsome to me.

“Kara? Are you ok?” He asked, a little worried, probably because it was 3am.

“Um, can I come in? Or...um, you can come in here,” I gestured to the living room.

“Of course you can come in,” I saw his fingers twitch, as if unsure of whether to reach out for my hand or not.

I smiled and bit my tongue, gathering up my courage, and gently took his hand in mine. He led me to the bed and I sat on the edge, crossing my arms trying to hold the sheet in place.

“So, um, where are you off to, all dressed up like this?” He asked lightly, alluding to my attire.

“I, um...” How does a woman say, I want you and I want you to want me, just for the week you’ve promised, and I won’t hold you to anything more? “Tell me again, how you feel about me.”

Finn moved closer, running his finger along my collarbone, making my shiver. “I think you know. I think when you remember what happen in the park, you know exactly how I feel about you.”

“I don’t. I need to hear you say it. Please.”

“You are my undoing, Kara. I can’t sleep knowing you’re just a few steps away, when you should be here, next to me, on top of me, under me. Right now, I’m having to physically restrain myself to stop myself from taking you right now, especially dressed like that. I want you all the time. And knowing you want me too, makes the fact that we’re not constantly in each other’s arms inexplicable.”

“No, not inexplicable, you know why, Finn.”

“Yeah.” He admitted, deflating.

“Yeah.” I smiled sadly back at him.

“Kara. It kills me that I can’t promise you more, but I can’t, I just can’t. I can’t tell you that past this week I’m going to be there for you. I’m not saying that that uncertainty will be forever, but it will be for the foreseeable future.”

He rubbed his face for a moment, before continuing. “I want you to go into anything with me, knowing this. Because I can’t live with myself if I ever have to see that look of hurt, that look of disappointment, betrayal in your eyes that I did that night again. It killed me, it really did.”

And I couldn’t stand to hear him keep apologizing for something I knew, I was slowly letting go of.

I stood up, letting the sheet fall to the ground, and slid onto the bed under the covers. Finn watched, unsure, until I reached out my hand to him, beckoning him to join me.