Page 60 of Worth the Fight

“It seems like you are, but…”

He doesn’t have a reason to believe that I mean what I say. It should have never happened the first time. I shouldn’t have sunk that low, shouldn’t have treated Mags so badly that she had no choice but to end us. I’m sure he’s wondering what’s preventing me from sinking back into old ways.

“You know, when you’re feeling like I was … sad or whatever.” Sad seems like too simple of a word and depressed sounds too clinical. There’s got to be a better word out there to explain how someone's mind feels when they’re on the verge of giving up.

“When you’re in the thick of it like I was, you truly don’t care who you hurt, because you’re hurting just as badly. But because I let myself sink, because I gave up on myself, I lost Mags. And I’m lucky that she’s giving me this second chance. Believe me, I’ve never once stopped being thankful for that. A year ago, I never would have thought I’d be here with her tonight.” I gesture back to the party that’s still going on behind us. “But this time, it’s different because I’ve learned what happens when I let myself go. This time, it wouldn’t just be myself that I’d lose. I’d lose her again.” My choice cracks, and I clear my throat roughly. “I’d lose Mags again, and it would be the last time. I’d lose my daughter.” There’s no way in hell Candi would put up with any of my old ways, not for one second. “I’d lose the relationships I’ve mended with my family, with Mags’s family. There’s so much more at stake now than just me, and that’s what keeps me sober. That’s what keeps me going.”

Raymond nods at that, seemingly understanding what I’m saying. Then he stands up straight, clapping his hands once. “Well, that was easy.”

I can’t help but laugh. “That’s it?”

“I had a whole speech planned, but you basically summed it up. I know you’ve gone through unspeakable things, Lukas. Things I don’t think I ever want to know about, let alone witness myself. You deserve some forgiveness based on that alone. But I’m begging you, Lukas … if you two are going to do this, you need to give her your all. Even when it’s hard, even when it scares you, even when your ego is bruised. You can’t back away when you’re in a relationship with someone, when you love someone. You can’t pull back and keep things to yourself.”

I swallow the lump in my throat. “I promise, I won’t.”

We’re interrupted by a squawk on the other side of the door, and Magnolia taps on the glass, bouncing a screaming Sylvia against her chest. “Oh, daddy,” she calls, and Raymond spins, opening the door with one hand and reaching for his daughter with the other, a sense of urgency to his movements.

While Ivy is only six months old and still a baby, the newborn stages are behind us, and I already feel like a seasoned parent in their presence. Ronaldo comes from the kitchen with a full bottle held high in his hand. They meet each other halfway, Raymond still cradling Sylvia as Ronaldo offers the bottle.

Mags comes outside on the balcony where I’m still standing. Her arms circle my waist, and her chin rests on my chest as she peers up at me. “That go okay?”

I bring my hands to her shoulders, massaging gently. “He cares about you a lot.”

A ghost of a smile appears on her lips. “I know. And he has a big heart. Anything he said is purely to protect me.”

“I’m glad you’ve had him all this time. I’m glad you had him to lean on.”

She squints at me, and I can tell there’s more she wants to ask, but not here. Not now.

“What do you say we get out of here? Go home, go to bed?”

Her tone is suggestive, and I lean down to kiss her. A part of me thought that the moment I arrived in Paris and we got to her place, we wouldn’t be able to keep our hands off each other. That we’d fall to the floor, and I’d strip off her clothes in the doorway.

Besides not being able to pull my lips from hers, we haven’t gone any further. But there’s been some heaviness in the air.

Seeing her in person and getting to spend actual time with her is bringing up a lot of old feelings. Bringing up feelings of how I hurt her. Seeing that picture tonight of how skinny she got, of how sad she must have felt, snubbed out any feelings of intimacy that I’ve had. Even if we aren’t intimate on this entire trip, I wouldn’t mind.

I want to, of course, but I meant what I told her that night on the phone. I just want to be next to her. I want to lie next to her, hold her, talk to her, get to know her all over again. Give me that, and I’d die a happy man.

“Yeah, baby.” I press a kiss on her lips. “Let’s go home.”

CHAPTER 29

Magnolia

Iwake up in bed alone, and when I sit up in the dark, the room is quiet. I perk an ear toward the door, wondering if I’ll hear Lukas in the bathroom or in the kitchen, but the apartment is quiet.

I roll out of bed, grabbing the throw blanket that’s draped over my desk chair and wrapping it around my shoulders before I slowly pad through the apartment.

My toes crack against the wood flooring, and when I get to the main room, I look around, my heart rate kicking up when I don’t see Lukas.

It’s then that movement to my side catches my eye. I look out on my balcony and see Lukas, sitting on one of my kitchen chairs as his feet bounce erratically on the concrete.

He jumps a little at the sound of the balcony door opening, and I peek my head out, tightening the blanket around me to ward off the chilly night air. “What are you doing out here, Lukas? It’s freezing.”

He smiles softly, reaching for me, and I step out, closing the door behind us with a soft click.

I unwrap the blanket from my shoulders and twist to sit on his lap, then he fans out the blanket, so it covers us both, drawing it up and around my shoulders. I press my cheek to his chest, his chin to the top of my head, and when he wraps his arms around me, a new sort of warmth settles in.