Page 14 of Worth the Fight

“You still don’t get it, do you?” she whispers. “This isn’t about losing feelings or falling out of love. Of course, I don’t hate you, and that’s been my problem this whole time.” Her words are hurried, tone changing, and I can tell she’s frustrated with me. “I’ve never hated you, Lukas. That’s the issue. That’s why even though I’m halfway across the world, trying to focus on my life, on me, on the people that want to treat me right, that’s why I’m on the phone with you right now. That’s why I don’t answer your calls, but then rush to listen to your voicemails, so curious to hear what you have to say while not wanting to hear what you have to say at the same time. It’s so easy for you to pull me back into your orbit. There’s always been some reason we were tethered together before, and I thought that when it was over, that the tether would snap. But all it took was one phone call. Hearing your voice one damn time to make me realize that I’m still tied to you. It’s too hard for me. So, please, listen. I’m asking you to let me go. You need to let me let you go.”

“No.”

“No?” she hisses.

“No. I’m calling it like I see it, Mags, no bullshit. You just said it yourself that you haven’t been able to stop thinking about me even though there was a year of silence. Maybe there’s a part of you that doesn’t want to let me go even if you wish you could.” I pause, letting my heartbeat settle down and hoping she’ll say something to fill in the gaps.

“I’ve never once regretted us, Mags. Never once, even at my worst. When you ended it and I moved back home, I was so sad. I know that we had a beautiful relationship, and I loved you in a way that I wouldn’t have believed possible. So, even if it turns out that you don’t want anything else from me, or you can’t seem to forgive me, know that I won’t have a single regret.” I swallow the lump in my throat, begging my emotions to stay in check.

“We had eleven beautiful years together, and the memories will stay with me forever. But if there’s even a flicker of doubt, Mags. If there’s any part of you that wonders if we’re supposed to be in each other’s life, then take this as a sign, because I wholeheartedly believe things happen for a reason. And you know what? I’d go through it all again. I’d go through the heartache of us ending, of the loneliness that shook me to my very bones if it meant I’d get to experience the happy times with you again.”

A minute goes by, and then another, and I half expected to hear the phone click and for her to end this once and for all, but instead, all I hear is a meek, “I don’t know.”

That ‘I don’t know’ stings, but I can take that. I can work with that right now. “I’m not asking you to forgive me tonight. I’m not asking you to forget all of my wrongdoings and jump back into a relationship with me. We have a lot of memories together, Mags. A lot of damn good ones, but you know what? I want more than just our memories. I want a fresh start, a chance. You and me. A chance to get to know each other as the people we are today, because I'm willing to bet my life that those two people would be really fucking good together.”

When she doesn’t outright stop me, or tell me otherwise, I press my luck and keep going. “I think there’s gonna be a lot of shit to talk about. There's gonna be a lot of things that probably make the both of us cry. We need to have all the conversations I should have been willing to have a year ago, but I was too stubborn. I want those tough conversations. I want to fight. I don’t think we fought enough. Maybe you tried at times, but I wouldn’t give in. I was too stubborn, too lost. We didn’t fight enough in our relationship.”

“What?” she balks.

“We didn’t fight enough. I’ve realized that you need to be able to fight in a relationship and not have it be a means to an end. You should have been able to tell me I was being an ass, you should have been able to speak your mind, and I should have done anything but shut down. I was the one that made it hard for you, even if you tried. If I had fought it out with you, maybe the outcome would have been different.”

“Don’t you remember, Lukas? I remember plain as day you telling me it wasn’t worth the fight.”

I wince at that. I said a lot of things to her, things I regret. Things that I would have fought another man for daring to say to someone like her. Things that disgust me. “My words probably don’t carry a lot of weight to you right now. And if you decide after tonight that you truly are done, if you ask me to never call you again, I’ll honor that. But you have to believe me, Mags, if you believe one thing I’ll ever say to you again, believe when I say that it will forever be my biggest regret, the mistake that will haunt me for the rest of my life, letting you believe that you weren’t worth the fight.”

“I … I don’t know what to say, Lukas. And I’m sorry, but I’m running late to class. I need to go.”

“That’s all right. I’ll let you get going, but Mags, I’m really glad you called.”

I wish she’d end it with a ‘me, too’ or a ‘talk soon,’ but her soft goodbye is still more than I could have expected, more than I probably deserve. I say goodbye and hang up the phone. I rest my head on the pillow and stare up at the dark ceiling. And for the first time in nearly a year and a half, I feel like I have a real chance.

CHAPTER 10

Lukas

“Hey, this is Magnolia. Sorry I missed your call. Leave a message, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”

“Hey, Mags. It’s me. I hope you’re doing all right. I know the conversation the other day was rough. I know you don’t have a lot of trust, or faith, in me, and rightfully so. I’m working on building that back in all areas of my life, and I’d kill for the chance to work on it with you. All I’m asking is for time. Time to show you that I’m me again, a better version of me, honestly. Even if you can’t see yourself ever falling for me again, know that you’ll always have me as a friend, okay? If you ever feel like chatting, if you ever want to talk to someone from back home, just call. I’d love to hear what you’ve been up to, how ballet is, and how life is. I’m just a phone call away, always.”

CHAPTER 11

Magnolia

My phone vibrates in my palm, and I stare down at the screen as the seconds tick by.

I haven’t spoken to Lukas in weeks, but he’s left a handful of voicemails since then, and each time I catch one, it’s the same. My heart races, palms sweaty, fingers itching to swipe and hear his voice.

My heart and head are in a forever battle. One is telling me to hear him out, to take those baby steps, and get to know him again. One is begging me to snuff out the small flame that’s burning in my chest. The flame that never really disappeared, even when there was a time when I wished it would.

“Ahhhh,” I cry out, tossing my phone on the bed next to me. It stops ringing once it lands, and I stare at the screen, refusing to blink, counting down the seconds until his voicemail pops up.

Yet this time, it doesn’t, and for a split second, I worry that he won’t leave one.

Maybe he took my not-so-obvious hint. Maybe he’s already given up. Maybe our last conversation sits as heavy with him as it does with me.

My vision blurs, and I tilt my head back, pulling my top lip between my teeth to keep the tears from falling.

My phone vibrates again, and when I glance down, there’s a voicemail from Lukas waiting for me.