Page 59 of I’ll Be Home for Christmas

‘Not for me either. And the weekend you came to visit I was so ashamed. I saw the disappointment in your eyes.’

‘It wasn’t disappointment, Meg. It was concern.’

‘We always did look out for each other when we were younger.’

‘Was that what you were doing when you stood up at our wedding and said those things?’

Meg covered her face. ‘I am beyond embarrassed, ashamed and devastated that I did that. I tried to tell you not to do it so many times before, but you wouldn’t listen. I felt like I had to make you see it from my point of view. At the church, I just kept remembering the way I held you when you were crying because Dad was away yet again. I remembered you being upset seeing Mum worry so much, I thought about all the times you said you wanted your own family. I remembered you crying once, asking why our dad had to do a job that was so dangerous.’

‘I said that?’

‘You did. You were proud of him and his career, but when he was away you missed him so much.’ A look passed between them, one that reminded Chrissie of those years when they’d stuck together. ‘Anyway, thanks to a few drinks and a joint at your wedding, I decided that the best place to show my concern, once and for all, was at the church right before you said your vows.’

‘Worst timing ever.’ But after all this time, maybe finally Chrissie could see what had led her sister to behave that way.

‘Booze and pot were coping mechanisms for a long while, Chrissie, including on your wedding day. It was a recipe for disaster. And as for the cake at your reception…’

Silence fell over them as they both remembered the music in the reception hall coming to a stop, the gasps as the splattered cake on the floor drew all the attention in the room.

‘Not my finest moment at all,’ said Meg. ‘And as for my behaviour at the wake…’

Chrissie puffed out her cheeks. She knew she needed to let some of this go but it was hard, even after all these years. And yet, if she didn’t, when her sister was clearly remorseful, it would eat her up inside for the rest of her days.

‘I was too in love to listen to what you were saying, Meg. If I had, I might have been able to explain the way I felt about Anthony and his job. I worried, just like Mum, from the day I met him, but I knew that being without him because I was too afraid of what might happen would be the most painful thing of all.’

‘I didn’t understand love enough to see those things for myself,’ said Meg. ‘If I had, if I’d ever been in love, then maybe I would have.’

Chrissie still wanted to piece together the missing years. ‘I often thought about you, even after we fell out. Those people you lived with were bad news, and I was terrified of something happening.’

Meg nodded. ‘Eventually I woke up and saw what you probably saw, and I got out.’

‘I wish I’d stuck by you more, helped you to see it.’

‘I didn’t deserve my sister sticking by me when I was so dismissive about Anthony, when I was sure I knew what was best for you.’

‘How did you finally get out of the rut?’

‘I suppose I grew up a bit. One of the girls I lived with was a complete mess and I started to fear I’d go down the same path. I knew I was the only one who could make the change, so I packed my bags and left. I started to pull myself together. I kept working crappy jobs to cover my living expenses, I made a study plan so I could have a career. It was a long plan and took time to get there.’

‘But you did it.’ She smiled. ‘I’m proud of you, Meg.’

Meg’s eyes filled with tears.

‘I should’ve said that a long time ago.’

But Meg shook her head, swiped away more tears. ‘That’s not why I’m crying. I mean, yes, it means the world to hear you say it now, but…’

‘But what?’

‘It’s gone. The job. The Cocoa Cupboard. It’s all gone.’ And then the sobbing started.

Chrissie’s natural reaction was to get up and go over to her sister and hold her in her arms while she cried. She couldn’t do anything else.

Meg told her the rest after Chrissie sat back on the bed and handed her sister some tissues. She told her about Grant, the lack of love between them, the lies he’d told about expanding the business, how her dream job was over.

‘So you see,’ said Meg with a wobble in her voice and a crumpled tissue disintegrating between her fingers, ‘I failed at that too.’

‘Oh, Meg, if you think you failed at that, then you’re crazy.’