Page 5 of I’ll Be Home for Christmas

Keira’s talk about meeting men, the hint at a single life that Sarah had shared right up until she met Rhys, caused another ripple of uneasiness. She was going to be married. Committed forever. Was she crazy to be doing this at twenty?

But everything was set. The marquee was hired and scheduled to arrive a few days before the wedding, the catering carefully chosen and sorted, fireworks bought to celebrate the wedding and see in the New Year at the same time. Keira and the many, many other guests had sorted their accommodation, made their arrangements.

‘Take a breath,’ Keira prompted.

She exhaled. She hadn’t realised her stress was so obvious. ‘Sorry, I’m a bit tense.’

‘Your mum?’

‘What else?’ She hadn’t even told Keira her doubts. It was as if saying them out loud would be betraying Rhys somehow.

Keira used her spoon to scrape out the remains of her hot chocolate from her mug. ‘I’ve seen your mum’s wedding organisation folder. Those sorts of folders don’t belong to mothers who think a wedding is a terrible idea. Perhaps she thinks she owes it to you to make you question whether this is right, and throwing herself into helping with the wedding is her way of showing you her support, no matter her opinions.’

‘That folder is one of the many things that has sent me into panic mode, you know. I mean, it’s great that she’s trying, but it’s almost painful having her do that when she keeps on asking if I’m sure about this.’

‘I’ll bet.’ Keira set down her mug. ‘I doubt my mum would be anywhere near as organised as yours if I ever get hitched. Although I could already tell you what church it would be in, how sensible my dress would have to be, and that there will be no shacking up before the nuptials like you and Rhys.’

Sarah grinned. Keira’s parents were super religious and in contrast Keira wasn’t at all. But that didn’t mean Keira flaunted her behaviour. Sarah had been here at the flat once while Keira was preparing for a visit and she’d watched her friend fly around the flat hiding all alcohol, changed into a top that didn’t show her bra strap or her midriff, and let her hair down to cover the piercing at the top of her right ear.

Sarah would give anything for a life like Keira’s, where her mum might have different views but she let her get on with things and perhaps make her own mistakes. Sarah’s mum had always liked to be in control, she didn’t like the unexpected to happen. And Sarah’s engagement had been unexpected. Her mum had handled the announcement well, but beneath the congratulations and the smile had been a simmering doubt that for the last few months Chrissie had never moved on from or kept quiet about.

Sarah had been so young when her dad died that she couldn’t remember what her mum was like before that. Had she been different? Maybe. But these days Chrissie needed life to be predictable, calm, settled. She liked everything to be perfect, especially for Sarah. Christmas was one of those times where there had never been any flexibility. Chrissie never wanted to do anything different. Always at home in Oxfordshire, just the two of them, same decorations in their usual places.

There had been other occasions over the years other than Christmas. On her sweet sixteen, Sarah had been content with a trip to the movies for her and Keira, but her mum had said it was such a special occasion that she’d gone ahead and catered for a garden party and told her to invite all her friends. She’d invited ten girls from school, even though she wasn’t close to any of them. It had poured down with rain during the event and the pressure Sarah had felt watching her mum stress over everything getting wet and having to shift the occasion indoors had been enormous.

Then came her eighteenth. Chrissie accepted that she didn’t want a party and instead Sarah had had a sleepover with a spa theme. It had been a roaring success, but Sarah had still felt pressure because she’d only wanted to invite Keira and it had taken some convincing to get her mum to accept that that was what she wanted. Sarah felt ungrateful every time her mum tried to make an occasion bigger, or perfect, but with those aims came the pool of dread for Sarah that something would happen out of Chrissie’s control and it would be the end of the world.

Sarah had assumed every mother was that way – after all, Chrissie was only trying to give her daughter the best – until she got into her teenage years and watched peers make their own decisions, run their own get-togethers, get distance from their parents that was all part of growing up. She’d started to realise that life wasn’t about never falling apart, and all she wanted was a chance to make her own choices.

One of her mum’s main worries about Sarah getting married was that she wouldn’t have a chance to carve out her own life, workwise. Her mum had always taught her to have a strong work ethic though, and for that Sarah was grateful. As a teenager, she’d always had a part time job. She’d washed up in a café, she’d stacked shelves at the supermarket, she’d worked behind the till at a petrol station. And now she was working for Velvet Edge doing a job she loved. Her mum had nothing to worry about in that regard just because of her own experiences. Couldn’t her mum see that she was her own person? Rhys’s job didn’t take him from country to country and house to house. Rhys talked about more overseas opportunities in the future, but if he was offered something then it would be a joint decision, wouldn’t it?

Suddenly there was another doubt creeping in. Rhys was a high earner, and while she didn’t do too badly, in a marriage, a partnership, surely it made sense to move or follow the person bringing in the bulk of the household income?

Back at Rhys’s flat, a short walk from Keira’s but a long enough stroll for Sarah to come to a decision, she called her boss. Her boss was great, and after Sarah explained that before she got married she wanted to see her elderly grandparents, who weren’t in great health, they agreed she could take unpaid leave when their current job ended.

All Sarah wanted was time to get her head straight. She couldn’t think properly here at the flat with Rhys, or when she was around her mum, and she had to consider what was the biggest decision of her life. She had to know what she really wanted. She’d thought she already knew, but did she really?

The next call she made was to her mum. And she told her she wouldn’t be home for Christmas.

‘I’m not going to Rhys’s either.’ Sarah added that in before her mum thought she’d chosen between them. ‘I’m going to Switzerland.’

There was a long silence before Chrissie spoke. ‘But the wedding…’

‘I’ve got time; it’s only November.’

‘But your final dress fitting.’

‘The dress was pretty much perfect. I’m nipping back one more time to be sure and then I’ll collect it a few days before. The lady at the shop said I can put it on one more time just in case, but unless I have a major weight issue then it should be fine.’ Her weight had been stable this whole time since she’d chosen the dress, so she’d just have to be careful.

‘Sarah—’

‘Mum, I’ve made up my mind.’ Her heart beat wildly as she delivered her firm decision.

There was a pause before her mum asked, ‘Is this because of me?’

Sarah’s bottom lip trembled. She loved her mum, she wanted her mum, but she wasn’t helping right now.

‘It’s because of me,’ Sarah answered. ‘Grumps and Nanna won’t be at my wedding, and I feel like I really need to see them before I get married.’