Page 69 of Burn Protocol

The phone buzzes and for a moment my heart leaps into my throat. Elena? But when I glance at the screen, I see it is Mary. My fingers tremble but I press answer regardless. She and Catherine have shown me nothing but kindness and support. They might be the only ones who will understand what is happening and not judge me for it.

“Hola, Mary,” I whisper, my voice still rough from emotion.

“Wow, girl, you sound… are you okay?”

Her voice pitches up in a concerned tilt. I am already opening my mouth to say I am fine, when a low sob escapes. Mary gasps audibly. There is a shuffle and some muffled sounds.

“Are you home, babe?”

“Ye… yeah?” I stutter, uncertain of why she asks.

“We’ll be there in thirty minutes.”

She ends the call before I can object, leaving me staring at the illuminated screen. I should call her back, tell her not to come over. But really, I don’t want to. I don’t want to be alone right now. I glance at my phone again. The absence of her texts is another reminder of what could have been. My fingers dart over the screen as I pull up the text app.

2 days ago E. Gonzales –

Can you bring my jacket? I think I left it.

I stare at the words and then glance at the hallway. Her jacket is still there. I am up on my feet before I can stop myself, snatching it from the hook and pressing it against my face. It smells like her, like sandalwood and smoke. That grounding scent that clings to her skin, like the earth after a rainstorm. My knees buckle and I sink to the floor, wrapped in Elena’s scent. The only person I want to run to, but can’t. And that is all on you.

For the first time in my life, the sounds in the bay feel awkward instead of familiar. I duck my head and walk through the narrow hallways to the changing room before anyone can stop me. This used to be my safe place, my true home, but all of that is ruined now. It is empty without Maya, and unsafe now that Torres has it out for me.

I heard the whispers when I came in. The stories he must have told them… “Gonzales is losing it over a woman, Maya has her wrapped around her finger, the lieutenant is willing to risk her team over some chick.” I can almost hear him say it. With that taunting, deprecating smile on his lips. Hell, I could see it in his eyes in passing. A judgmental glare that says more than words. As if he even has a right to judge. He went to the Chief instead of coming to me. Chickenshit.

I shake my head, trying to get rid of the thought, as I change into my work clothes. While tying my boots, my eyes fall on the corner locker. Maya’s locker. The one we normally reserve for junk. She will probably never speak to me again, and I can’t even blame her. It is the same story as always. Elena puts work above everything else. Except that wasn’t it this time, and I know it.

“Gonzales?”

Fernandes’ voice cuts through the haze and I blink up at her. When the hell did she come in, and how long has she been standing there? How long have I been staring? I roll my shoulders. I meet her gaze when I lift my chin.

“How can I help?” My voice sounds steadier than I feel.

“How are you holding up?”

She sits down on the bench next to me and looks at me. There seems to be a hint of pity in her eyes. It makes me want to run. But when she nudges her shoulder against mine, I feel myself leaning into the touch instead.

“I’m fine, why shouldn’t I be…”

“Listen, we know, okay? And you know we know. So, stop pretending and tell me how you really feel.”

It feels like two hands squeezing my throat shut. I grip the bench so tight that my knuckles turn white. How do you feel? My mind is twisting and turning. My stomach is clenching, and I feel like I can snap at any given moment. I feel…

“Amputated.”

The word falls from my lips before I can even finish the thought. Rosa looks up, surprised that I actually answered her. Her eyes are big and filled with concern now. I see her fingers twitch, before she grabs my hand. Her hold is warm and comforting.

“Then why don’t you fix it?”

It sounds so simple when she says it. As if I could just say sorry and that would make everything okay. But it’s not. The Chief would flip and put me on admin duty for the rest of my life, if he doesn’t decide to fire me altogether. The crew would… they would lose their trust in me. And Maya? She could lose her job. She was right about that. Who would trust a journalist that slept with the person they write about? It would be a scandal.

“I don’t know where to begin,” I sigh. “I just need this nightmare to end. God, if Torres could have just kept his mouth shut…”

“You still would have ended up here,” Fernandes interjects before I can finish the sentence.

I stare at her, shock pulsing through me. She shrugs.

“Listen, Gonzales, it sucks that he went to the Chief and all, but it wasn’t really a big secret, was it? Salisar would have caught on eventually. If he didn’t already know.”