Page 64 of Burn Protocol

My stomach twists into knots when the words sink in. Three more weeks. Not only do I have to rewrite the whole piece—because if anything Helen is right—but I also have to wrap things up. It means a last interview with Elena, to go over the article and close the gaps. And then that will be it. No more visits at the station, no more ride-alongs, no more crew. My breath hitches at the idea. I will miss the brigade—their camaraderie, their jokes. They feel like a family that has adopted me into their midst. Who have accepted me for who I am. The people who are an extension of Elena.

Oh my God… Elena. Not seeing her every day, watching her in action, talking to her about what moves her–the thought alone renders me speechless. It makes me feel as if my chest is being cracked open by two crooked, bony hands with long curling nails. My heart pounds against my ribs and my breathing speeds up.

Helen seems to take my quietness as compliance and she sinks back into her chair. I have to bite the inside of my cheek to focus on her instead of the swirling pit of my stomach. Her gaze drops down, as she eyes me curiously. She squints her eyes and slightly leans forward, resting her chin on her thumb. She hums under her breath, as if she just discovered something new altogether.

“I’ve heard she was a difficult one… Gonzales, is it?” She tilts her head in anticipation.

“Yes, no, I mean, it took me some time to connect with her, but Elena really isn’t…” I trail off and shudder slightly. “…difficult,” I finish with a huff.

“Elena, hm?”

I raise my eyes to meet the steel blue ones of Helen. Her face is like a mask that I can’t seem to look past. She is desperately searching for something, testing me, probing me, but I don’t know for what. I shrug noncommittally. I’ve called my subjects by their first name before, and we both know that.

“Then what is different this time, if it is not her?”

The words hit me square in the face and I have to fight to hold on to my composure instead of reeling back in my seat. Helen’s mouth is a thin line, but her eyes are sharp. Too sharp. I scramble through my thoughts for a coherent sentence that will satisfy her need for information.

“It’s just very intense. We are responding to calls all day, every day, and if we do catch a break, there is paperwork.”

“We?” She hums with a slight hint of annoyance.

“Well, they do… but you know I’m following her… them… the crew.”

“Nah, that’s not it. You’ve done that with the cop and the doctor too, this is something different. But it is fine. If you won’t tell me, I have to find out another way. You can go.”

Helen flicks two fingers toward the door, dismissing me like one of her junior staff. Normally I would open my mouth to fight her on the denigrating gesture, but right now I am just relieved I can get out of there. Away from her peering and judgmental stare. Her prying questions and prodding jabs.

What was I supposed to say if she had pushed on? That it was Elena? That I am crazily madly in love with her? That I… Wait, what?

I freeze in place as I run the thoughts over in my mind. That I am crazily, madly in love with her? In love… is that what this is? Love? I’ve barely known her for two months and she hated me for most of it. Nah, that’s a lie and you know it. Well, she tried to keep me at arm’s length for the first few days anyway. But just thinking of her makes my stomach flutter. Her soft, curly hair and the way it glows like embers when it catches the light just right. Those beautiful brown eyes that always scan her surroundings. Her strong, warm arms that are both soft and hard at the same time. And oh my fucking gosh… you are in love.

My breath stops halfway down my throat and I let out a strangled sound. I know there is a strong attraction to her… but love? Fuck. Yes. I guess it is, because the thought of how she pushed herself during the metro disaster, or how she slid in the water and didn’t immediately come up, steals all the air from my lungs. I am utterly and absolutely in love with Elena Gonzales. My subject. What are you doing?

***

The moment I walk into the bay, I see Elena. She is sitting on a chair inspecting one of her jackets. Her expression is serious and focused. The one she wears when she is at work, the one I came to love so much.

Seeing her here in her element makes my stomach flutter right before it clenches. Three more weeks. Will she miss me? Before I can spiral down this path of unwanted questioning, she raises her eyes. The moment they land on me, her face softens, as if she is being caressed by the sun. Her mouth relaxes and the tiny lines around her eyes crinkle ever so briefly.

“You’re back,” she states, a hint of warmth in her voice.

Rosa looks up from her boots and quirks an eyebrow. There is a playful smile on her lips, but she remains silent. I shrug.

“Yeah.”

“How did the meeting go?”

Elena looks at me with that studying, explorative look. The one that makes me feel bare in front of her, even when I am fully clothed. Rosa glances from me to her lieutenant, and then returns her focus to her boots. I swallow hard and tear at my nails.

“Horrible,” I whisper.

She is up within seconds and closes the distance within two strides. Her fingers twitch as she moves to reach out to me, but she stops herself just in time. I look at her and feel my heartbeat drum in my ears.

“What happened?”

Her fingers twitch again and I know she is fighting herself not to reach out. It makes me want to press myself flush against her body. To hide in her arms and bury my face in her neck. To inhale that scent of sandalwood that always seems to cling to her skin and calms me. I bite my lip and squeeze my eyes shut for a brief moment as I shake my head.

“It wasn’t good, it wasn’t pretty. I need to… I need to be better.”