Page 94 of Playing for Keeps

The words hung in the air between us. I looked at her properly. She was older and more worn than I remembered, as if bracing for me to walk away. But I wasn’t turning back now that I had come this far. It had taken me years to want this conversation.

“I wanted to talk,” I said. “I wanted to hear it from you.”

She took a shaky breath. “Do you want the long version?”

“I want the real version.”

She hesitated, then nodded. “All right.” She set the mug down on the table and pulled out a chair, motioning for me to sit too. She folded her hands in front of her, like she needed to keep them still. “I got married to Robert when I was very young.” At first, her voice was steady, like she had practised. “He was a few years older than me and I was infatuated with him right from the start. He was a lawyer, so he had money and status in society, while I had nothing. He was able to give me everything, buying me presents and taking me to fancy places. I thought I was living the dream. I really believed we would have a bright future together.”

She took a deep breath. “Then Grace was born, and we were over the moon. Things changed for Robert, though. He started… he was seeing people. Other women. It was subtle at first. I tried to tell myself I was imagining it. Then he stopped hiding it. I wanted to leave and take Grace with me, but I didn’t know where to go. Robert was in charge of everything, and he had everyone convinced that he was the perfect husband. Even my parents thought he was wonderful. I couldn’t talk to them about it.”

She stopped, examining a loose thread on her sleeve as if it were the most important thing in the room.

“Then I met Dale,” she said, her voice dropping so low I had to lean in. “He was kind and gentle, and I felt safe around him in a way I never had before. He knew who Robert was, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to take care of me. For the first time, I thought I might really be able to get away. After a while, I decided to leave Robert and take the risk of losing Grace. Dale said he would help. So I took Grace and left.”

She swallowed hard. “Two months later, I found out I was pregnant with you.”

She stopped there. The clock on the wall ticked three times before she could continue. “Then the… the unimaginable happened. Dale died. A stupid accident. One night he was there, and then…” She made a small, helpless gesture with her hand. “He was gone. I was alone, Max. I was pregnant, I had no money, and I was so… so scared. So I went back.”

My chest felt tight.

“At first, Robert was forgiving when I told him I was pregnant. But it didn’t last. He couldn’t get over the insult and the betrayal. He began to punish me almost every day. At first, it was constant insults; then it got physical, especially after you were born.” Her eyes flicked to mine, then away. “You looked so much like Dale.”

The words landed like a rock. Heat flared behind my eyes, sharp and sudden, and I had to clench my jaw so my face wouldn’t give anything away.

“I was so full of grief,” she whispered. “After you were born, I couldn’t cope. I needed to feel numb, so I went on antidepressants. I don’t know when the hitting started. Not exactly.” She swallowed, a harsh, dry sound. “But I knew. I knew enough. I’d stand in the hallway… I’d hear it. Just the… the dull sound of it through the wood. And I just…” She closed her eyes tight. “I didn’t open the door, Max. I just stood there. Waiting for it to be over. He threatened to take you and Grace away, and I believed him. So I tried to protect you in small ways. I sent you to your grandparents more often, sent you to summer camp – anywhere just to keep you away from him as much as possible.”

Her hands were shaking. She held them tighter.

“When Grace left for college, the beatings lessened, probably because you were getting bigger and stronger. He went back to what he had done in the beginning: making us feel small and worthless. And at that point, I believed him.”

She pressed her lips together to keep from crying. “Fortunately you had hockey. You had found something that made you feel like you mattered again. And I was so relieved to see that. I saw you grow into this strong, confident man, and I told myself that maybe I hadn’t completely failed… I’m so sorry, Max. For allowing it to happen. And for the way you found out about Dale. You should have heard it from me, not by accident.”

The silence that followed was deafening. I set my mug down carefully, even though part of me wanted to throw it.

“I get you felt trapped,” I said, my voice rough. “But I was a kid. I was right there. I was behind that door.” I looked at my hands, wishing they were wrapped around the mug again just to have something to squeeze. “You were supposed to look after me. And you chose to be numb. I didn’t have that choice.”

Her shoulders flinched.

“And you taught me not to trust anyone,” I went on. “Even the people closest to me. Thank God I had Grace. And hockey.”

Her eyes were full of tears, but she didn’t let them fall.

“It’s taken me a long time to even want to open up to someone,” I said. “Because I spent my whole life waiting for the floor to fall out from under me. But I’m trying. I think I’ve found someone I can actually… be safe with.”

I took a deep breath. “I can’t forgive you yet. But I understand it better now.”

My mother nodded slowly. The tears finally spilled, tracing tracks through her makeup, but she didn’t sob. “I’m glad you found someone who will take care of you, the way I should have. I hope to meet her someday.”

We sat in silence for a while, the kind that wasn’t empty but full of everything that had just been said. Then the front door banged open and voices tumbled into the house. Lucas yelled something about scoring a goal, and Lucy yelled back that he was bragging. Aidan’s laugh was even louder than both of theirs. Then Grace called out for help with the groceries.

The kitchen filled with the sound of family – messy, loud and alive. Mum gave me a quick look, and I gave her a small nod. She nodded back.

It wasn’t forgiveness. Not yet. But it was a start.

After all the noise at dinner, the house settled down. Aidan was upstairs reading to Lucy and Lucas. Grace and I ended up in the living room, nursing two half-empty mugs of coffee. She was curled up in the armchair, watching me over the rim of her mug.

“So?” she asked, barely above a whisper. “How’d it go?”