Page 85 of Coming Clean

“Didn’t want to tell himthe real reason for your call?”

A massive headache began tobuild in the center of Connor’s forehead. “You don’tunderstand.”

“I understand all right. Iunderstand that you chickened out.”

He’d hit men for sayingthat to him, but he loved Sabrina and she was trying to help him.“I froze, okay? I fucking froze. I tried to just spit the words outbut I couldn’t so I let myself warm up by talking about otherthings—”

“Like me.”

Connor sighed. “Yeah, likeyou. Then Mario told me about these two guys from another reconteam that was stationed with us. They were caught having sex in theXO’s office.”

Sabrina’s eyes went wide.“Are you kidding me?”

Connor shook his head. “No.I don’t know what they were thinking doing something thatinsane.”

“Did you knowthem?”

“Yeah, I did.” He wasn’tgoing to elaborate. Sabrina didn’t need to know just how well theywere acquainted. “Do you know what Mario said aboutthem?”

She sniffed. “I canimagine.”

“As far as he’s concerned,all the good they did has been erased because they’regay.”

“They’re also stupid, but Iknow that’s not the point.”

“No, it’s not.” If onlyMario could focus on the idiocy of what Fargo and Cousta had donerather than the fact that they were with each other.

“Connor, you can’t liveyour life by my brother’s rules.”

She still didn’t get it. “Iwant to save him, to get him out, to help him remember the man heused to be.”

Sabrina’s expressionsoftened. “Tell me about this man.”

“He was caring and patient.He had a vision of what the world should be like. Hecared.”

Sabrina didn’t lookconvinced. “Did he care about us fags and lesbos?”

“He’s always been aprejudiced shit but he didn’t used to be so angry.”

“I know he’s lost himselfand I want to save him too, but I’m not going to live my life forhim. I wish you wouldn’t either.”

“Once I tell him I’m gay,he’s never going to listen to me again. He was grossed out thathe’d ever worked with those guys. He said they weren’t the men he’dthought they were. I tried to defend them, but—”

“He said I’d filled yourhead with my bullshit. I know, he told me.”

“Sabrina, I’m sorry Iinvolved you in this.”

She sighed. “It’s not yourfault, but for your own sake you need to call my brother and tellhim. You shouldn’t put it off anymore.”

Connor shook his head,pressed his lips together, and hoped he wasn’t going to cry for thesecond time in two days. “There’s no point now.”

“What do you mean?” Sabrinaasked, a look of horror on her face.

“I fucked up. It’s overbetween me and Jeremy.” Connor wasn’t sure how he’d spoken thosewords without breaking down. He needed Sabrina to leave. Hecouldn’t hold himself together much longer.

“Why? Not because youwouldn’t come out? You went to the awards banquet.”

“Yeah, I did.” Connorcouldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice.