Page 27 of Coming Clean

Connor looked more amusedthan annoyed.

“Are you going to tell me?”Jeremy prompted.

“After eight years of beinga Marine I was a damn good soldier, but like I said the othernight, I couldn’t do it anymore.”

Jeremy nodded. He had noidea what to say because he couldn’t imagine how hard life had beenfor Connor in the Marines.

“Mario, Sabrina’s brother,and I were close. Best friends. We met in boot camp, and he was thefirst person I ever felt like understood me. I lost him overthere.”

A lump formed in Jeremy’sthroat hearing those words. He wished he could do something tocomfort Connor.

“Sabrina and I had beenemailing a lot, and when I told her I was getting out, Ashevilleseemed as good a place as any. So I took up her offer to crash onher couch for a few months. I wasn’t qualified to do much ofanything, but between the Marines and my stepfather’s demands I wasdamn good at cleaning and doing it fast. I never meant to start myown business, but I kept getting more and more clients, and it justhappened.”

“That makessense.”

Connor nodded.

More silence. “Whathappened to Sabrina’s brother?” The words were out before Jeremycould stop them, the need to know more about Connor overpoweringhis good judgment. Jeremy looked down and fiddled with his tea cup.“I’m sorry. Ignore me.”

Connor didn’t say anythingfor a while. Jeremy summoned the courage to look at him. The angerhe’d expected to see wasn’t there. Instead, he lookedlost.

“He’s not actually dead.”Connor’s words surprised Jeremy. He waited patiently to see ifConnor would continue. Eventually, he did. “His body isn’t, anyway,but on the inside… I don’t know what’s left. We were on a mission.We’d been sent up into a village and… After that he was never thesame. It’s like he’s just going through the motions of living, likehe’s a machine. What we went through made him turn everything off.I tried to get him to come back with me but he re-upped. He said hewasn’t fit to be around regular people, that people who killed fora living were the only ones who could tolerate him now.”

Connor had been leaningagainst the counter but he sank into one of the stools at the baras he finished speaking. He looked at the floor and Jeremy watchedhis chest expand as he took two long, slow breaths. He longed tocomfort Connor but had no idea how. What could he possibly say?That he understood? He didn’t, not really. He’d lost his mom, butit hadn’t been anything like that. She’d been herself until theend. And he couldn’t begin to imagine the hell Connor and histeammates had gone through.

Jeremy walked towardConnor, wondering if touching him would be wrong. Would Connor seeit as a come-on? Jeremy hadn’t exactly succeeded in hiding hisattraction to Connor. Fuck it. He looked so despondent, Jeremy hadto try something. He laid a hand on Connor’s shoulder. “I’m sosorry.” The words sounded hollow, insignificant compared toConnor’s obvious grief.

Connor put his hand overJeremy’s and Jeremy froze, trapped by the warm pressure of Connor’sfingers and his own longing. Connor was thanking him for thecomfort. That was all. He needed to remember that. But how could hewhen Connor looked up at him, his eyes damp with unshed tears?Connor allowed Jeremy to see his vulnerability, he didn’t try toshake it off like Jeremy would’ve expected. Connor trusted him, andthat thought made Jeremy’s chest tight. Jeremy worried he wouldsuffocate from repressed emotion if he kept standing there, but hedidn’t care. He wasn’t moving until Connor wanted himto.

Connor studied him like hewas a puzzle, a being he didn’t understand but not one he foundrepulsive. Like something about Jeremy held him mesmerized. After afew seconds, he lifted his other hand and cupped Jeremy’s cheek.Jeremy didn’t dare move and spoil the moment.

He’d tried to convincehimself the hungry looks Connor had given him, the ones whereConnor seemed to be checking him out, had been all in hisimagination. Now he wasn’t sure.

Connor’s thumb slid backand forth over Jeremy’s cheekbone. Jeremy opened his mouth but hecouldn’t get any words out. There were none to describe thefeelings Connor’s touch gave him.

“Your skin, it’s so soft,”Connor whispered. “I’ve been wondering if it would feel as smoothas it looks. And your hair…” Connor threaded his fingers throughJeremy’s long bangs. “So beautiful.”

Jeremy had always thoughtof his hair as too fine and limp, but Connor made him feel as if itwere spun silk. He wanted to pinch himself to see if he weredreaming. Connor was straight. How could he possibly be touchingJeremy’s face, his hair, as if reverently worshippinghim.

Jeremy watched the line ofConnor’s throat as he swallowed. Then Connor spoke again. “I… I’vealways wanted…” He shook his head and his hands fell to his lap.“I’m sorry.”

Before Jeremy could sayanything, Connor strode toward the door, each step coming fasteruntil he was running. Jeremy considered going after him but stayedright where Connor had left him, feeling suddenly lonely. Jeremytouched his face. Was it really still warm from Connor’s caresses,or was that his imagination? Would he ever stop feeling Connor’sfingers there and in his hair?

Long after Jeremy heardConnor’s truck start up and zoom away, he realized Connor had lefta bag of cleaning supplies in the foyer. Would he come back forthem? Probably not that day, at the very least.

The image of Connorwatching him intently stuck with Jeremy. He’d wanted to kiss Connormore than he’d ever wanted anything. Why had Connor run? Did hisdesire for Jeremy scare him? Make him angry? Embarrass him? If hehad kissed Connor, would he have stayed? What if Connor sentSabrina or one of his other employees to pick up the supplies? Whatif Jeremy never saw Connor again?

Jeremy shook his head. Hewouldn’t let that happen. There were too many questions he neededanswered, so he would return Connor’s supplies to him. Then Connorwould have to talk to him, right? It was worth a shot. Not today,though. Connor needed some time first.

The thought of what Davidwould say about his plan made Jeremy cringe. It was exactly likesomething David would plan himself, but Jeremy knew his friendwouldn’t approve. As if David heard Jeremy thinking of him,Jeremy’s phone buzzed.

U got planz2nite

Did David really have totext like a thirteen year old?

Come over. I’ll makedinner.

Ooo. Wazzup?