Page 207 of Ashborne: Defiance

Dear God, why couldn’t I let him?

I tried. But that pulling in my chest grew, until it became insistent. I was soon shifting on my feet, no longer able to focus on the banter between Gil and Jhoare. No longer following the speeches. Unaware of how much I drank in an effort to soothe my heart and drown the frantic need, screaming at me to leave. To find him.

What was wrong with me?

Agitation rode my blood, and I stood on the balls of my feet, ready to flee. Aching to follow him. But I could imagine what he’d think. He’d been so patient lately, but surely it would be the last straw if I went darting after him, calling to him, not giving even a moment to himself—

“I need to visit the privy,” Gil commented, putting his glass down on the table.

“And me as well!” I said, overly brightly, striding for the door before Gil had even taken a step. Behind me the music finally began, and the dancing with it. But I was out the door and striding along the wide corridor, wondering what I would say when I found him, and why couldn’t I just let the poor man be?

My skin thrummed with something I could no longer deny. Perhaps it was time to make an advance? My cheeks heated at the mere thought, but my heart leaped.

‘Koa, what is wrong with me? Is this the wine? I only had one glass.’

Koa sent a rush of love through the cord that bound our hearts together. ‘Perhaps heat begins? It is the first sign.’

I spluttered a laugh, and stifled it quickly when one of the queen’s Guard, posted along the corridors, raised a brow at me.

‘I don’t have a heat, Koa,’ I sent. ‘But thank you for the laughter.’

‘Your heat comes as souls soften.’

I frowned and turned the corner, looking for the exit of the castle. ‘My brothers are very sweet, and their souls quite soft. But we are not—’

‘Not the brothers. Your mate.’ She sent an image of Voski and my cheeks went hot.

‘Yes, I appreciate him, Koa. But he isn’t my mate. He’s just Kham’s rider. I don’t understand why I want him. Unless it’s part of your bond? He’s given me no reason—’

‘What reason does the mate need?’ She sounded genuinely perplexed.

I tried to consider how I could show her in images, the difference between her bond with Kham, and how our human relationships worked. When she struggled with words, images worked better. She always seemed to come back to Voski, because he was Kham’s. But I wasn’t sure I’d ever been able to clarify for her that my relationship with Voski was very different to hers with Kham. But then, she was back.

‘I have used wrong words. Human names, titles are different. Yet, Kham says you use ours. The mate,’ she said confidently. ‘Your heat for the mate grows. When denied so long, it will burn.’

I sighed. ‘Koa, Voski isn’t my mate. We don’t have what you and Kham have.’

She hesitated, confused again. ‘But you do? Only, you both resist. It slows the growth.’ She sent an image of a green shoot, pressing through the earth, but finding no sunlight.

I swallowed. God, that would be beautiful, wouldn’t it? If only. I felt terrible, because for a moment, I was angry with her. I didn’t want to have to explain this. I didn’t want to have to emphasize to her how Voski did not want me. That we didn’t share their connection—especially when the mere thought sent my pulse thrumming in my skin again.

‘No, Koa,’ I sighed, lifting my skirts and picking up my pace as I ached to be outside and alone. I’d go to the stable and see her and explain it better when we were closer. ‘It’s just not like that for us.’

‘But it is, Grace.’

And then she showed me something I’d never seen before.

And the horror of what it could mean, of what it must mean, smacked me like a boulder bouncing down a hill.

I staggered to a halt right there in the corridor. ‘Koa, that… that cannot… it isn’t—’

‘Yes, it is.’ For the first time ever, she sounded frustrated with me. ‘I do not have words. But Kham says yes. Mate is correct. Voski is mate for you. And to resist is poison.’ She hesitated, as always, kind. And concerned about hurting me. But then she pressed. ‘Why do you resist, Grace?’

71. It Gets Deeper

SOUNDTRACK: Shallow by Tommee Profitt and Fleurie.

~ VOSKI ~