Page 174 of To All the Guys I Killed Before

We sit like that while my nerves unwind and my heartbeat slows to match him. Then I reach into the sweater pocket and pull out the envelope from the nightstand.

His body goes rigid.

“Are you sure you⁠—”

I rip it open.

Before I unfold the pages, I press my cheek to his chest. “I love you. Nothing changes that. Okay?”

His heart beats, strong and steady. “Okay.”

Then I start to read.

Rue,

I’ve written a dozen versions of this letter, and I’ve deleted them all. First they were desperate, then they were defensive. They made excuses and begged for your forgiveness.

This letter isn’t that. It’s a confession and a transfer of power.

I thought the cameras let me know you, but it turns out, I didn’t. At all. How arrogant to think that I did. But I’ll do my best to make sure you know me by the time you’re done with these pages.

He shifts, unease pouring off him.

“Rue—”

“Quiet. I’m reading.”

My confession: I thought if I didn’t watch you in sexual situations, that kept me noble. But you coming home from work, you eating breakfast, you on your laptop—all of it’s as valuable and vulnerable as your body. I had no right to any of the parts of you I took.

To be clear, I am sorry. I’m telling you that so you know, not to demand your forgiveness.

“I forgave you,” I remind him. “Before this. Before I watched you not watch Greg’s video.” I squeeze his fingers. “You should have, though. He would’ve killed you if he’d noticed.”

“No.” His voice grates out of him. “I shouldn’t have. I never will.”

I lift our hands to my mouth, kiss his knuckles, and continue.

You called me a scared little boy. I refused to hear it at the time, but you were right. I told myself I wasn’t equipped to love someone safely. The truth is, I was scared they wouldn’t love me, and I built this whole life so I’d never have to hear anyone tell me that. Then I met you, and that fear tripled because how would I survive if I asked you to love me and you said no?

Five minutes after meeting you, I handed you a three-year lease to a space I built to stay empty, and then I hid on the other side of the wall and put in cameras so I could have you without asking. I never gave you the chance to say yes, and god knows I never let you say no. My fear hurt us both, but it hurt you more, and I’m so fucking sorry.

“Were you really never going to rent my half?”

It’s probably not the first question I should be asking, but I’m starting with the one my brain can grasp.

“Never. Then you pulled into the driveway, and I was just… gone.” His words are raw, but his eyes are guarded, and seeing that kills me after meeting the open, trusting version of this man.

When I pull away from him to stand up, he swings his feet to the floor, looking up at me in alarm.

“Are you leaving?”

“Hugo!” I exclaim, exasperated. “My leg was cramping.”

I climb onto his lap, straddling him.

“I’m staying forever, and I’m going to sit on you until you believe it.” I give him a quick kiss. “Now quit distracting me with your handsome face.”

So here it is. Everything about me. The things the cameras let me do. The safe houses. The fake identities. Every kill. Information no one else on earth has access to.