Page 93 of The Art of Drowning

FORTY-FOUR

callum

NOW

Damien was gone and I couldn’t breathe. The sudden silence was deafening. My ears rang if I was left alone with my thoughts for too long. Damien had left me and, upon reflection, it served me right.

I’d always thought that I had more to lose than Damien, but that was only because I had more. I had a family. A brother. Parents. Friends. Damien had Sam. Damien had me. And then after… what did he have after Sam? Nothing.

Just because he had less to lose didn’t mean that his hurt was less. In fact, it was probably more, and I hoped that he hadn’t had to carry that all by himself the whole time.

It struck me like a kick to the sternum that I didn’t know. And I hated that I didn’t know. And I hated myself for not doing something about the gaping hole he left in my life sooner.

The worst thing was that as soon as the door shut behind me, I knew I’d made a mistake. Already I wanted to go back out there and beg for his forgiveness. For everything. For not fighting for him back then. For convincing myself that I didn’t ever need to reach out to him. That he was better off without me. And he might be, but I wasn’t better off without him.

My knees buckled, and I crumpled to the floor. I braced myself on my hands, sweaty palms sticking to the floor, and sucked in deep breath after deep breath, trying to let out the pressure before I cracked a rib. All Damien had ever wanted was to be important to someone. And at the first sign of adversity, I’d tucked tail and run away.

I could never get those years back. Those days were all water under the bridge. It hurt so bad to know how much time we lost. How many years I wasted. And for what? A family that wasn’t mine? A brother who hated me. Parents who lied to me.

I wasn’t sure how long it took me to scrape myself off the floor, but by the time I did, my knees ached like I’d aged a hundred years. I checked my phone, even though I knew he hadn’t called. Hadn’t texted. Had just driven away because I was an idiot.

I’d been an idiot for a long time, and I was done. My chest rattled with all my heart’s broken pieces as I tried to steady myself with a deep breath. For years I had let Sam dictate my life. And why? Because I was scared that he wouldn’t like me if I made him mad? Was I scared that he’d turn our parents against me? Well, looking back, those were stupid reasons and they were only half the truth.

It had been easy to listen to Sam because I was afraid. Afraid of making a go of things with Damien and them not working out. Terrified of being with him, in case we broke up and then he’d have no one. Not even Sam. But the reasons were more selfish than that. Because Damien had been alone anyway, and I told myself that it was Sam’s fault. But it was my cowardice all along.

For years, I’d been afraid of one thing or another. Afraid of Sam. Afraid my parents would disapprove of me doing something to upset Sam. Terrified of getting it wrong. Paralyzed by worst-case scenarios that I imagined.

But nothing hurt as much as this. Nothing I imagined ever ached the way I ached now, like someone had scooped my insides out and left me hollow.

I had fucked up… but I could fix it. And if I couldn’t fix it, at least I’d know I fucking tried. It had been so easy to run away before and tell myself that it was the hardest thing I had to do. But I didn’t have to do it. I let Sam stoke the fires of fear, and I let myself be told what I could and couldn’t have.

Now on my feet, I braced myself on the counter while I waited for my bones to re-solidify.

“Sam, you’re a real son of a bitch, you know that, right?” I said to the empty room, pretending that he was there. Crudinski appeared from wherever he’d been hiding and walked over to me. In the quiet, I heard the way his little feet stomped as he approached. He twined himself around my ankles and chirped at me until I picked him up.

“Cruddy Baby, I fucked up.” Crudinski purred harder and pushed his face into my hand. “If only my life was as uncomplicated as yours. All your needs are met and when you want something, I do my best to give you that too.”

I continued to pet Crudinski while I thought about Damien. What did Damien need? I could only guess, based on what I knew of him then and what little I knew about him now. But it was easy to imagine that he needed stability. He needed proof that I was serious. He needed a grand gesture to make up for years of nothing at all.

He needed me to show up and make good on the things I’d promised him years ago.

“Looks like I have some work to do, Cruddy Baby.” I buried my face in his soft fur and closed my eyes. There was a possibility that I would do this, that I would go through a lot of effort and would be met with a no, or a fuck you, or just a quiet request to fuck off and never reach out to him again. But even if there was the smallest chance of a yes, I had to take the risk.

I owed him that much. I owed myself that much.

If I’d have been asked before that summer if I believed in soul mates, I’d have said no. If I’d have been asked if I believed that there was one perfect person out there for everyone, I’d have laughed at the very idea of perfection.

Then I fell in love with Damien on a hot summer day in my back yard swimming pool and everything changed.

The worst part about my plan, because I already had one, was that it wasn’t something I could just blink and accomplish. There were a lot of moving parts. It would take a while to pull off, and I didn’t want Damien to think that I was just going to fall off the face of the earth again.

Someone once said if you wanted something you never had, you had to do something you’ve never done. If I wanted Damien, I was going to have to risk my heart. I was going to have to put myself out there in a big way.

Damien had a whole life. He’d made friends and opened a business and had moved on to the best of his ability. I’d tried, but my heart had never been in anything I’d done.

Until now.

I couldn’t expect Damien to fit into my life. Not after he’d worked so hard to create something of his own. He had a business. A business partner. And I wasn’t going to put him in a position where he even thought of giving that up. Hello, Ego, thy name is Callum. It was bold to assume that he’d give up anything for me.