Page 86 of The Art of Drowning

But it still stung that after all that time apart, we were finally together, and we couldn’t even enjoy it. The worst part was that I didn’t know how to make things better for him, and I was terrified of making them worse.

FORTY-ONE

callum

NOW

Was Damien on their side? Was he on mine? Why was my head spinning and how did I get it to stop? Drinking didn’t help, but I did it anyway. Ginny and Zeke traded worried glances that I chose to ignore.

How did everything keep getting more and more fucked up?

When the world started to tilt sideways, Ginny was there to snatch my drink away. “Sorry, friend, but you’ve had enough.”

I had to laugh at that because it was true in more ways than the one she meant. I’d had enough of life fucking with me. First Sam, then my parents. Damien being here should have softened the blow, but I didn’t know what we were doing or how long he’d stick around. He had a whole life to get back to, and so did I. How would we make everything fit? Could we? Should we?

Damien’s hand on my thigh grounded me, and I turned my head. The world wobbled, but he came into view, brow pinched with concern. “Will you be okay here for a few minutes while I run across the street and get a room?”

I waved him off, nodding… I think. Whatever I conveyed, it must have been the right answer because he gave my leg another squeeze and then promised to be right back.

If only we’d made that promise years ago. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so empty now, but I felt hollowed out like a pumpkin and cut up to be put on display. A smile carved into me just for show.

“Hey, this is a dumb question, but are you going to be okay?” Zeke asked.

All night, he’d tried to keep the mood light and fun, but I could see through the act. I didn’t hate him for it, but I was tired of people looking at me with their eyes swimming with pity.

The only answer I could give him was a shrug.

“It’s okay if you’re not… you know, okay.” Zeke looked like he was chewing on glass when he said it, and a laugh bubbled out of me.

“You’re really shit at that, you know.”

He grinned at me, then balled up a napkin and chucked it at my face. “Fuck you. I’m trying to be a good friend.”

The napkin fell short of reaching me, and I let it fall to the table. My gaze flicked down to it, then back up to Zeke’s face. “You missed.”

“I’ll get you next time.”

“Now you sound like a villain.” For some reason, my booze-addled brain found this particularly amusing and I collapsed into a fit of laughter. Because nothing could be further from the truth. Zeke was a saint. Sam had been the villain. My parents… weren’t my parents. The world spun again and this time I didn’t want it to stop until it managed to fling me off.

That’s when Damien returned and slid into the booth next to me. I wanted nothing more than to let him tug me into his arms, but not here. Hysteria was rising close to the surface, and I needed to get out of the bar before I caused a scene.

Damien must have sensed that I needed to leave, probably from the way I said, “Get me out of here.”

I gently pushed at him, urging him to move out of the way.

“You’ve got him, right?” Ginny asked.

“We’re in room 112 across the road.”

Damien slid his arm around me and anchored me to his side. God, his body felt good next to mine. So warm and firm and real.

Real.

But was he? Was this? Fuck.

I didn’t know I needed oxygen until we were outside and I was suddenly surrounded by cold, fresh air. I sucked in a couple lungfuls and let my eyes close, trusting Damien to guide me to where I needed to go.

“Callum, sweetheart, I’m going to need you to pay attention for a minute, okay? Open your eyes for me.”