Page 65 of The Art of Drowning

He sat there like it was no big deal that I’d just come out, and he’d dropped pure acceptance in my lap while I stared at a blank screen.

I didn’t feel brave. I’d told literally the safest person on the planet. I still couldn’t tell him my other secret. That I was so in love with Damien that it made it hard to breathe sometimes when he and Sam were in the room. When Sam was around, I made myself scarce. It was too hard to watch him be best friends with Damien. To get to casually touch him. Talk to him whenever he wanted. It made me jealous, and I hated feeling that way. It was a dumb emotion, but I could only turn it off if I turned everything else off too.

“You know, Callum. I had a friend who was a lot like you.” Dad’s voice caught, and he cleared his throat.

This got my attention, and I shifted so I could lie on my side and watch Dad as he spoke. He had this faraway look on his face, and then a sort of soft, sad fondness tugged his lips into a smile and then yanked it away again.

“He was a bit of an introvert, and he got sad sometimes. I’d ask him if he was okay, and he’d always say yes. I never pushed. I never pried. I never helped. I took him at his word. And one day, he ended it.”

It was like Dad dumped a bucket of ice cold water on me. I wasn’t⁠—

“I don’t think of stuff like that,” I told him as horror continued to sweep through me.

“If I asked you to talk to someone, would you?” The worry etched into Dad’s face made him age a decade or two.

“I don’t want to.” It was the honest truth. “I’d rather take a cheese grater to my face, if I’m being honest.”

“Well, that’s not a step I’d recommend adding to your beauty routine.” Dad cracked a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “I won’t try to make you, but the option is there if you need it.”

“I’ll be fine. I promise.” It would be better one day when I could tell everyone I was gay and that I was in love with Damien.

Dad held my gaze like he was looking for signs of deception. Eventually, he nodded. “Did you need a hug?”

My heart squeezed tight, and for a split second I couldn’t breathe.

“Yeah.”

I didn’t have to say anything else. Dad moved as fast as I’d ever seen him. One second I was lying on the couch and the next, Dad had yanked me to my feet and into his arms. He squeezed me tight as if he could get all my secrets out if he squished me the right way.

It almost worked too.

“I love you, Callum,” Dad said, his voice thick with emotion. “I’m proud of you, and I’m also worried about you.”

“I’m okay.” I actually meant that one, I realized. Yes, I was still living under a wet blanket. Yes, I still missed Damien and wished we could be out together. But no one even knew Damien was bi. Even if I came out to everyone, no one would know about him. Revealing one secret only left room for more to take their place.

“Can you tell Mom what I told you? I don’t… it’s just…” I couldn’t explain why I didn’t want to tell her in person.

“Coming out is hard, and personal, and you don’t have to tell your mother just because you told me. But if you want her to know, yes, I can help you. I will always help you. All you have to do is ask.” Dad squeezed me tighter and when he let me go, finally, it started to feel like I might be okay.

Telling Dad about me had lifted some of the weight off my chest. It freed up just enough space inside myself so I could breathe again.

It didn’t last, because Dad patted me on the shoulder and told me he was going to start dinner. I said that I had homework to do, which was a lie. All I did was schoolwork and obsess about when I’d get to sneak some time with Damien again.

My life happened in bursts, and in between, I waited. At school, I was on and alive and then I’d come home and wait for Damien to be able to get away from Sam. And those moments in between were getting harder and harder to bear.

I’d always imagined that falling in love would feel good. And it did. Loving Damien was as easy as breathing. It was everything else that was hard. The secrecy. The stolen moments. Not being able to share it with anyone. And the longer it went on, the harder it got.

But then he’d do things like sneak into my room at night and kiss me, and I’d forget all about the time I spent in limbo. Everything else fell away when he was near. It was a destructive cycle. All highs and lows with no middle ground in between to let me catch my breath. It wasn’t sustainable, and I knew it.

But I didn’t know how to stop.

THIRTY-TWO

damien

THEN

Sam had his arm draped over Roxy, and it looked like she was taking most of his weight. Sam had been in a great mood all night, and it was nice to see. He’d been a little weird lately and part of me wondered if maybe he’d found out about Callum and me. To put him off our trail, I hadn’t put up a fight when he said Roxy was bringing her friend Candace to hang out with us at the party.