Page 38 of The Art of Drowning

Damien let out a laugh and tugged me closer. Draping his arm around me, he kissed the top of my head. “I know, believe me. I do. But it wasn’t all bad. I mean, I was fucking lonely as shit and in a new city, but once college started up, it was okay. I made a few friends, got through the first year even though I was miserable for most of it. I stayed with Bowie that first summer because he’s Bowie and he’s a pain in my ass.”

The fondness in Damien’s voice when he talked about Bowie made my heart stop. Were they lovers? Had they been together? I had no right to feel jealous, especially because I hadn’t been exactly celibate in our years apart, but the idea of someone else’s hands on Damien made me want to flip a table or something. I hated the very idea of it.

“Were you… Was he…”

“Bowie and I have only ever been friends.”

I let out a breath and tried not to sound too relieved. “Cool.”

Laughter bubbled out of Damien. Using the tips of his fingers, he tucked them under my chin and tipped my head back, making me look at him.

“Someone’s jealous,” he accused.

Of course I denied it.

“I am not. I was just curious.”

“Oh, sweetheart, even after all these years, you should know that you’re still a terrible fucking liar.” Damien drew me into a kiss, amusement still curving his mouth into a smile, and he didn’t let it get much farther than a chaste brush of our lips, but it was sweet. And perfect. And I never wanted to leave this room.

Outside, the real world waited for me, and I had no interest in it. The real world was cruel and mean, and I was safe in here with him. Finally.

“Bowie is my best friend. He’s the brother I always thought Sam was. He’s kind, and funny, and he’s a giant pain. He’d die for me. Or kill for me.”

“Is that a threat?” I laughed, still feeling the sick slide of jealousy in my bloodstream. I hated Bowie because he got these years with Damien. I didn’t want Damien to think of me like a brother, and I didn’t want him to be alone, but I hated knowing that I could’ve been there for him, and I wasn’t. The idea that I might have chosen wrong made my stomach clench.

“It’s not a threat. I’m just—I want you to understand what Bowie is to me and also what he isn’t. He’s a brother. He’s my best friend. I’d do anything for him, and he’d do anything for me. It took me a while to open up to him about why I was so fucked up when he met me, but Bowie never gave up on me. Even when I was a cantankerous bastard. I love him like a brother. He’s my family.”

“I’m glad you found him,” I managed to say and mean it. The last thing I wanted was for Damien to be alone.

“Me too. Bowie is the reason I got through school. After we graduated, we started a business together. Shared a small apartment. Ate a lot of ramen. Busted our asses. And now we’re doing pretty okay for ourselves. I mean, it’s not glamorous and life isn’t perfect, but it’s… it’s a good life.”

Damien’s fingers stroked up and down my arm and I wished I could just pause the world and live in that moment.

“Tell me about you now,” Damien said after a minute.

“Not anything exciting to tell. I went to school and worked my ass off. I took a lot of summer jobs so I could stay away from Sam. Even after college, I didn’t move home. I stayed away. Eventually, I was only going home for Christmas. Sam made my time at the house uncomfortable. And then he got sick, and he asked me not to come around when he was sick. He said he didn’t want me to see him like that, but I think he wanted people to hate me because they thought I abandoned him in his time of need.”

“I’d say that doesn’t sound like him, except that it kind of does. How’d you figure out that’s what he was doing?”

“Mom. She called me one day, so upset, and she asked me why I wouldn’t come home and see him. And I told her because Sam asked me not to. She got really quiet and ended the call, and that was the last time it was ever mentioned.”

“The more I hear about Sam, the more I hate him. Sorry. I shouldn’t speak ill of the dead or whatever.”

“It’s fine. Sam was a selfish jackass. I’m sad he’s gone because he was young, and our parents love him and they’ll miss him. But I won’t. I stopped missing Sam years ago.” God, it felt good to say that out loud. The truth was that I hadn’t thought of Sam as family ever since he decided that I was the enemy for falling in love with his best friend. Sam had thought of Damien as property, like he could call dibs on a person. He didn’t understand that Damien could be both his best friend and my boyfriend. That the two things could be true at the same time.

But he was young. We were all young. And sometimes young people don’t make the most logical choices. They run on adrenaline and hormones, their bodies going at full speed, leaving their brains scrambling to catch up.

“What about school? Friends? Your job? I want to know everything.”

“Well, I finished school. I had a few friends, none as good as your Bowie sounds. But I did okay. I have a stable job, which isn’t what I wanted to do, but it’s where I ended up. I go for monthly brunch with friends, and I have a standing date on the first weekend of each month to check out the flea market with a friend of mine.”

“Sounds peaceful.”

“It’s quiet. I don’t mind.” I’d wanted someone to share it with, but no one had ever fit right. I’d tried, but I felt like Goldilocks and some men were too much and other men weren’t enough, and then there was Damien, who was just right. A few of my boyfriends had guessed that I was hung up on someone else, but none of them held it against me. My breakups were amicable and as unremarkable as our relationships had been.

Damien took a deep breath. “After… I have to go back soon. But after, would you mind terribly if I came around? I don’t want to lose touch, but I don’t know if you want me to disrupt your life.”

My body seized up at the reminder that this was a temporary interlude and it wasn’t actually my life. My real life waited for me back home, and I was suddenly eager to get back to it. But I hoped my life would be changed at least a little when I returned.