Page 116 of Lethal Weakness

“The cellar door shut you away from the blast. None of your injuries were life-threatening.”

“I was supposed to be in the house. He shut the door. He shut me down there.”

“He saved your life.”

“I should have died with them! I was ready to die with them.”

I was supposed to go to his wedding. He was getting married.

Shove it down. Shove it away.

He’s dead. My entire team is dead.

Shove the pain away. Destroy it before it destroys you.

They’re dead. They’re all dead.

Ignore it. Shove it away. Don’t feel.

“After I lost my team, I completely shut down. That’s why I couldn’t pass my psych eval. I couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel their losses anymore. I didn’t feel sadness or fear. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t have any hope for the future. I was dead inside.

“They booted me from active service because they thought I would go on a killing rampage with no remorse. They thought I was heartless.”

“You’re not.”

“I thought they were right. I was shoving everything away for so long, it was easier not to feel anything.”

“Is that why you never came home? You couldn’t bring yourself to visit Kay?”

“I told myself that it was better to stay away. If she forgot about me, then she wouldn’t be affected when she inevitably got the news I was killed in action. She didn’t deserve the 1 a.m. knock on her door telling her that I was dead. She already got it after my parents died. I didn’t want to do it to her again.”

“You didn’t deserve to move through life alone, though.”

“It wasn’t much of a life. I see that now.” I brush her hair behind her ear mindlessly, feeling her chest moving against mine. “Being near you and Avery… Your liveliness is the most I’ve ever felt. And, now I’m fucking terrified all of the time.”

“About what?”

“About keeping you safe. Keeping you singing and happy. Avery tripped going up the stairs earlier, and I thought I was going to have a fucking heart attack. Having people to love is terrifying, and I don’t want it taken away from me. Not again.”

Her hand rests against my cheek. “Losing your parents wasn’t fair. I wish you never had to go through that.”

“I’ve always wondered what my life would be like if they were still here. If I hadn’t been broken at such a young age.”

“Maybe you’d be a professional baseball player.”

As she says it, I’m already shaking my head. It doesn’t sound right because it isn’t right. My thumb traces her cheekbone. “I think I ended up right where I needed to be.”

“Life has a funny way of doing that. I was terrified to have a baby, but now I can’t imagine my life without Avery.”

“I can’t either. Not anymore.” My forehead touches hers. “I don’t want to imagine a life without you, Linden. I want to give you everything you want, and I want you to be happy.”

“I don’t think anyone has ever cared enough about me to even ask what I want.”

“Well, get used to it.”

She smiles against my mouth, and I take her lips in mine.

They might have thought I was a killing machine before, but now that I have this, her, I’ll kill anyone or anything who dares to take her from me.