Page 57 of Crossroads

My eyes widened. “He was on meth?”

“Meth and I believe fentanyl. But that’s just hearsay at this point. The only reason I’m telling you anything about Kiera’s medical status is that she told me I was allowed to. You haven’t gone in there since they first rolled her in and kicked you out of the room. You’re going to go back in there?”

“I will. I just needed a moment.” I let out a breath. “I was thinking of Courtney and the kids. Of how I wasn’t fast enough that one time. Couldn’t have been fast enough. Again, I nearly wasn’t this time either.”

Thatcher’s face paled, his jaw tensing. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t fast enough either. I’m sorry I couldn’t save your family.”

“I don’t blame you,” I blurted, something I should have said long ago.

Thatcher’s brows lowered, and he shook his head.

“You never talk to me like you used to. You don’t look at me the same. I blame me, Bodhi. I’m never going to forgive myself for not being able to save your family, Bodhi. I know what this job entails. I’ve been at it since I was eighteen, and I’ve seen things I’m never going to forget, things that will always break me. But I’ll never forgive myself for not saving your family.”

I reached out and slid my hand over his shoulder and squeezed.

“I know you blame yourself. But you shouldn’t. Honestly, I used to blame myself, and maybe some part of me always will. Because I wasn’t in the house. Maybe I would have woken up before the smoke hit, but that serial arsonist…he disabled all of the smoke detectors. He got into our house when we weren’t there, and it was premeditated. All these things that we learned after, and yet, I feel like we should have known. Maybe if I had known that the man was getting closer to Ashford Creek, I would have found a way to add better security. Or even any security. We were so safe out here, at least felt like we were, that we just had multiple door locks. I didn’t even have a camera other than the doorbell one.”

“None of us did. But we sure as fuck do now.”

“Yes. I know. Even though somehow it still wasn’t enough to keep Kiera safe on the property and all,” I bit out.

“I’m still sorry. For all of it.”

“You guys did everything you could. I truly don’t blame you for what happened to my family. I don’t blame you or Rune’s dad. I blamed myself more than anything. I hated myself and thought it would be better if I died versus having to live with the guilt of surviving.”

Thatcher cursed under his breath. “I hope you don’t mean that.”

“I did. But not anymore. I think trying to survive now is harder than anything I’ve ever done, but I’m trying. For Malcolm. For my babies. For Courtney. They would hate me if I ended it because of guilt. And for a while, that was the one thing that kept me alive.”

Thatcher squeezed my shoulder so hard I knew I would bruise later. “Bodhi.”

“It’s the truth. I can’t stop that.”

“But now?”

“Now I have something to live for.” I shook my head. “She’s leaving now.” And after getting hurt once again, she would be leaving sooner than later. Staying in this small town was only part of her respite. It wasn’t her life. It couldn’t be.

“I didn’t know it was like that between you two. Not that serious.” Thatcher sighed. “It’s good. For you. You deserve happiness with Kiera.”

“She’s not staying. This isn’t her moment. She’s going to leave any day now, and I can’t go with her. It’s not like that between us.”

Thatcher opened his mouth to say something, but I was done talking about this. I hadn’t even meant to blurt any of those words out to begin with. “Either way, I wanted you to know that I don’t blame you. That you don’t have to look at me as if you’re afraid I want to kill you. All I see is the man who tried to save my family and the man who’s covered in as many burns as I am. I see my friend. So thank you. For trying.” I shook my head. “I’m just tired of looking at that frown on your face all the time. It’s fucking annoying.” I tried to lace humor in my words, and Thatcher smiled. For that, I was grateful.

“You’re an idiot.”

“Maybe, but I’m trying.”

“That is true.” Thatcher cleared his throat. “Go see Kiera. She was asking about you. Your sister’s in there, as are Felicity and some of the other girls, but you need to go. Don’t bury yourself like you have been.”

I let out a breath but knew that it was time for me to go in.

I reached out, hugged Thatcher in a bruising hug, before I turned and went back to the front doors. They slid open, and I nodded at the front desk, having already checked in.

“Bodhi, I just heard about Kiera. Is she okay?” somebody asked, and it took me a moment to recognize them as one of the elementary school teachers. The same man who had blamed me for my family’s death. My chest tightened, ready for him to blame me for this, too, until he continued talking.

“What am I saying? You can’t give me her medical information. But just let her know that the town is thinking of both of you. You did good, protecting her. I cannot believe that lowlife trash fought through us to get to her. We’re not going to let it happen again.” He gave me a firm nod, confusing the fuck out of me, before I realized that those in the waiting room weren’t looking at me with that familiar condemnation that they once had.

No, they had worry on their faces for Kiera…and for me.