Page 36 of Ashes to Ink

“Then tell me.” She swallowed hard. “Tell me.”

“My brother’s a drug addict.”

She nodded. “I know. And I’m sorry.”

He shook his head. “I was sorry for a long time, and then Icouldn’t be anymore.”

“Then start at the beginning. I know this thing between usis new, but we were friends before everything changed. Let me be your friend.Let me be here. Don’t walk away, Ryan. Don’t walk away from this when it’s justbeginning.”

Ryan looked at her for so long, she was afraid that he wouldsay no. She worried that he would tell her to leave and that he never wanted tosee her again. He’d already tried to do that earlier, and she’d forced him tolook at it another way. She hoped that she hadn’t made a mistake.

“Come with me into the living room. Sit down while I pace orsomething. I just…I don’t know what to do.”

“Then just talk. And I’ll listen.”

She followed him into the living room, looking around hislarge house as she went and wanting to see all of it. Maybe that time wouldcome. Perhaps he wouldn’t push her out of his life fully, and she’d be able to seeeverything.

“My brother has always been selfish. And maybe that makes mea little selfish for thinking that, but I couldn’t help it growing up. Nomatter what I did, I was never good enough. He might have said that I was thefavorite, but that was never really the case. My parents loved my brother. He’smy twin, you know.”

She nodded. “I know.” Michael had mentioned it, but shecouldn’t have missed the resemblance anyway. Even with the drugs on Michael andlife that had been leeched from him.

“I’m an Air Force brat, meaning I moved around a lot as akid. That’s why I am decently good at driving in the snow here because it’s notas bad as the snow was in northern Japan.”

Her eyes widened. “You used to live in northern Japan?”

He nodded. “Yeah, at the end of high school. Snow theresucked. But that’s where I learned how to drive. And then I had to learn how todrive on the right side of the road. But that doesn’t really matter.”

“Everything matters. All the little parts that make us whowe are…all those things matter.”

“Maybe you’re right. But I’m taking a long time to figureout what I want to say.”

“I’m here.” She leaned forward as he paced around the livingroom. She wanted to walk with him, wanted to touch him. Wanted to do anythingto make this easier for him.

But she knew as soon as she did that, she would pop thebubble, and maybe things would change. Maybe he would walk away, and shewouldn’t be able to get anything out of him.

So she sat where she was, and she waited.

“We moved around a lot, and because of that, I only had mybrother. It’s hard to make new friends when you’re constantly moving from placeto place. I got good at being sociable when I needed to be, giving a little bitof myself as I walked around and met new people. I was good at fitting in withany situation, even if I didn’t give myself completely. I never really wantedto because I knew we would be moving again, and then I would just have to startall over. Michael really wasn’t the same way. He threw himself into friendshipsand relationships, at least he used to. Especially when we were kids. But thenwe’d be ripped from it, and he’d cling to me. And when I wasn’t enough, and hecouldn’t figure out how to form relationships with other people, he flung himselfinto other things. He needed that adrenaline rush of having a best friend, ofhaving attention focused on him. He went to drinking first. Because that madehim popular. Even in middle school.”

She pressed her lips together, understanding. “When we finallyfigured out who we were as individuals rather than just twins, we also had todeal with the fact that we were constantly moving. That the connections that wehad were constantly fraying at the edges. And so, my brother then threw himselfinto drugs. He was in high school the first time he OD’d. And he did it becausehe wanted Mom and Dad to pay attention to him. Our parents had some money, andit wasn’t from the military. Hell, the military pays shit…but you know that.”

She nodded.

“So, my parents put Michael into a good rehab center, andthey ignored the situation. They ignored the whys of it. They were bothmilitary, you see. Sometimes, one would be off for six months at a time,sometimes nine months on remote. TDYs are ridiculous, but it was what they did.They fought for our country, and I was damn proud of it.”

“That’s good.”

“They didn’t die because they were in the military. But whenthey did finally pass away, I think part of Michael broke. My parents gaveMichael everything they possibly could to make him better. And Michael couldn’tdo it. There was just something about him that made him throw himself intoevery situation, to the point where drugs were his only answer. And he usedpeople, broke people, and did everything that he could to make sure that he gotwhat he wanted. And when he didn’t, he broke even more.”

Ryan let out a breath, and Abby just listened. “I didn’twant my brother to die, but sometimes I think it would be easier if he did. Andthat makes me a horrible person, but he got me put in jail once because he stolemy identity. We’re twins. Apparently, it’s easier than you think. He got me inbar fights, got me in trouble with my exes. He would pretend to be me and do somuch shit that it was ridiculous. He doesn’t look anything like me now; thedrugs and the alcohol hurt him and aged him at least twenty years. But it’shard to love my brother. When I try to take care of him, it only enables him. Acouple of years ago, I took a step back and told myself I wasn’t going to do thatanymore. I’d lost my parents and I was losing my brother, but I couldn’t losemyself. And, yeah, maybe that’s selfish, but fuck it. Every time I helped, hejust went further and further over the edge. I just knew he was going to die nomatter what I did. I took a step back and told myself I wasn’t going to enablehim anymore.”

“That’s good.” She didn’t know what else to say, not yet.

“Maybe, but he still blames me. Blames me for so much shit.He shows up every once in a while, no matter where I move, and tries to take mymoney, my house. Tries to take my friends.” He looked her right in the eyes.“Tries to take those I care about.”

“Okay. He’s not going to.”

“This is just the start.”