Page 19 of Ashes to Ink

Ryan reached out and gripped her hand, giving it a squeeze.But he didn’t let go. “Max is part of your life. He’s Julia’s father, and youloved him. You were going to marry him. If you want to talk about Max the wholenight, I’ll listen. It’s still a date, even if we talk about other people. Hewas part of your life. He’s still a big part of it. So don’t worry. I like tohear about him. You smile when you talk about him, and that makes me happy.Because if you didn’t smile, if it hurt you too much, then I would know youweren’t ready for this. So, talk away.”

She wiped away a tear, giving him a watery smile.“Sometimes, Ryan, I think you’re a little too good to be true.”

“You say that, but you haven’t seen me try to vacuum. I kindof suck at vacuuming. And dusting. Okay, I suck at cleaning.”

She rolled her eyes, laughed, and continued theirconversation. She only brought Max up a few more times, but she couldn’t helpit. Ryan just let her relax. And when she did, she talked about things thatwere important to her. Ryan was right, Max was still important to her. Shewould always love him. But she knew that she was moving on, or at least tryingto.

She didn’t feel bad about thinking about Max when she waswith Ryan. Maybe others would have, but Ryan made it easy.

Ryan made a lot of things easy.

Maybe that should have worried her, and honestly, it did alittle, but the food was nice, the conversation was much easier than she’dthought it would be, and Ryan made her smile.

There were those butterflies again, the ones that made herthink. The ones that made her not exactly yearn but want something.

“So, Julia really tried to eat all the chocolate when youweren’t looking?”

They were having their after-dinner coffees, something thatshe didn’t normally do when she went out. But neither of them had wanted thenight to end yet, and they were enjoying themselves. The place was busy, but itdidn’t look like the waiter was trying to push them out of their seats yet, sothey stayed.

“Seriously, the first time she learned to crawl, she somehowgot through the child-protection locks and tried to eat an entire bar ofchocolate. My hidden stash. The one that I even tried to hide from myselfbecause it was way too good—and a little too pricey.”

Ryan laughed, his hand still on hers. Every once in a while,his thumb would brush along the flesh between her thumb and her pointer finger,and she’d hold back a shiver. She didn’t even know if he was doing it onpurpose. He was just touching her. As if he wanted to touch her.

She really, really liked it.

“Well, chocolate is the food of the gods. She’s justlearning early.”

“I think too early. I don’t even know when children areallowed to have chocolate. Well, I did, but all of those things just leave mymind when they’re no longer important because I keep thinking of all the newthings I need to know about kids.”

“It’s a little insane how many dos and don’ts and rules andregulations and everything it takes to have a kid these days.”

“Well, children are hard.”

“That’s not what I meant. Even though we’re not that old, Ijust feel like we’re closer to the generation that threw their kids in the backof a pickup without seat belts than we are to the kids with all of theregulations. Not that I’m saying those are wrong. I kind of like the fact thatI was forced to wear a helmet as a kid and always have a seat belt on. It keptme alive.” He winced. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine, Ryan. It’s amazing how many things we say on aday-to-day basis that have to do with death. I didn’t realize it until I witnessedit firsthand. I lost Max, and I swear every single person at least once a daymade a comment about how they were going to die if they didn’t have this, orthat something was killing them, or that their heart was beating so fast itcould explode out of their chests, or they were going brain-dead. We just havethose things in our vernacular. We don’t mean them the way they sound. But whenyou’re attuned to that, you can’t help but notice it.”

“I still don’t want to hurt you by saying those words. I tryto watch what I say and be aware that sometimes, using the vernacular as youput it, isn’t being sensitive to others.”

She shook her head. “I don’t need you to be careful aroundme, Ryan. I hope you know that.”

He looked at her then, his gaze boring into hers. Sheswallowed hard, not letting go of his hand. Her stomach once again filled withthose butterflies.

The waiter came then, leaving the final check. They paid.Soon, Ryan would be taking her home, and the date would end.

But she didn’t want it to end.

“I had a nice time tonight,” she said later as he walked herto her door.

“Yeah? I didn’t scare you away?”

She looked up at him then, her heart racing. “No. And maybethat surprised me. I tend to get scared easily.”

He shook his head. “No. I don’t think you do. I think you’remuch stronger than you think you are.”

She let out a breath. “I hate that. Sorry.”

He frowned. “What? The fact that I think you’re strong?”