Page 117 of Until You

“You don’t understand.”

“I do fucking understand. And I’m sick of you using it and him as the justification to why you can’t love me when the real reason is you’re fucking scared to. Well, guess what? I am too. I’m fucking terrified. The last person I loved blindsided me when she left. Devastated my girls and took their happiness, their definition of family, and their sense of self with her on the way out the door. But you know what? You’re worth swallowing every ounce of that goddamn fear I feel when I look at you. When I think about you. When I touch you. You are worth it. So let me make the decision on whether I want to be with you or not. I’ve had enough people making decisions in my life, and this time, I’m making my own.”

His words hit my ears but don’t register.

I can’t let them register.

Loving me could be a death sentence.

When I don’t say a word, Crew steps forward and kisses me with the fire of a thousand suns. Almost as if every thought, emotion, and feeling we’ve left unsaid is poured into it. As if he’s trying to sear his taste into my brain so that I won’t have a choice but to think of him.

“Think about that while you’re packing your bags and scurrying away because you’re too much of a coward to love me back.”

“I just need time,” I lie. Time won’t erase Kaleo’s reach. And if I leave for a while, then by the time I get back, they’ll be gone.

In Chicago.

Away from me.

Safe.

“Don’t leave. I know you care about us. And I know it will break both of our hearts if you run. I love you, Ten. The girls love you. We love you.” He steps forward and presses a kiss to my forehead before settling his head on my neck. “I love you. That’s my spiel. That’s what I have to offer. Me. Us. Something special we never expected nor wanted to happen but did. Something I never thought I wanted again until you.” He takes a step back, every emotion I’ve craved for so long reflected back at me in the depths of his eyes. “I can’t force you to stay. You’ve had enough parameters and people telling you what to do for so fucking long that this decision needs to be one hundred percent yours. You have to want to. You have to want this.”

He takes a few steps back, and I worry that this right here will be my lasting image of him. Handsome but worried. Perfect but damaged. Mine but unattainable.

I start to speak but the emotion rioting through me is overwhelming. How do I explain to him that this is for him? For his girls? That me walking away is my ultimate demonstration of love for them? Instead, I don’t say a word. I let the lone tear that slides down my cheek and the subtlest shake of my head do all the talking for me.

He closes his eyes for a beat when he sees my answer. “It’s your decision,” he says one final time. His face is pained, and his eyes are swimming with regret . . . and love. “I’ll let you have time so you can make it.” He steps through the door and looks at me one last time. “Trust fall.”

Those words.

Their meaning.

Trust that I’ll catch you when and if you need to fall.

I bite back the sob that threatens when he shuts the door.

I fight the urge to chase after him when his truck’s engine rumbles to life.

And then I sink onto the bed as the loneliness hits and the deafening silence begins to eat at me whole.

Within minutes, I trace his tire tracks with my own as I make my way down the driveway, tears streaming down my face.

Trust fall.

It’s me who’s catching him now.

It’s me who’s saving him.

CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

Crew

Two Weeks Later

My shoulders burn like a motherfucker as I hang drywall in the outbuilding. It’s hard but fulfilling work.

Everything is these days as I try to keep busy. As I try to exhaust my body physically, so I don’t have the chance to think before I collapse into bed each night.