Page 136 of Twisted Knight

The muscles in his jaw tick. “If you’re asking if I’ve had lovers, clearly by my skill level—”

“Oh, please.”

“The answer is yes,” he says and I suddenly wonder why I even asked the question seeing as how hearing those words makes me sick to my stomach. “But that’s all they were, Rowan. I’m a busy man. I have things I want to accomplish and I’m too selfish to compromise those things.” Something glances through his eyes that I can’t read but want to and before I can, he looks away.

“I understand that.” More than he may ever know. The difference is society makes it okay for a man to say that, but not a woman.

“And relationships mean feelings, and I don’t have time to manage someone else’s feelings when I hurt them. Because I’m bound to do just that—hurt the person,” he says unapologetically with a brutal honesty I’ve come to expect from him. “That and…”

“And what?” I ask as the light turns and he begins to drive.

“Nothing.” He says the word but there is something in his expression that says there is more. “Never mind.”

“That and because people you love leave,” I all but whisper, revealing my own fear out loud. Then I wince, embarrassed I let that slip, but when Holden glances my way, when he reaches out and squeezes the top of my thigh, when he gives the slightest of nods, I know my words resonate with him too.

We fall silent as we drive down the main street. Past souvenir shops, tourist traps, and little cafes. Past families struggling to wrangle their children, their skin pink from the sun but their smiles wide.

I get lost in thought. Replaying Holden’s words over in my head—I don’t have time to manage someone else’s feelings when I hurt them. Because I’m bound to do just that—hurt the person—and wondering why they affect me when I’ve lived my life much the same way.

It’s because you’re on the flip side of it this time.

It’s because you’re catching feelings when you don’t catch feelings.

It’s because you know how this is going to turn out—he just told you without telling you.

FORTY-THREE

Rowan

“If your phone buzzes one more time, I think it’s going to implode,” I say as it vibrates again on the table.

Holden gives a quick shake of his head as he picks up his phone and makes a show of turning it off. “That should take care of it,” he laughs as he tosses it back down.

That’s something I’ve noticed about Holden. As busy as he is, when we’re together, he ignores his phone. He rarely picks it up to look at a text. He never takes a phone call. It’s not something I’m used to, but it makes me feel like he knows my time matters.

Silly, really. But isn’t this whole thing silly if you look at it?

I’m screwing my soon-to-be boss.

But when I look at him over the rim of my wineglass with the ocean at his back and his eyes on me, it doesn’t feel very silly. Far, far from it.

The restaurant he brought us to is small in size but huge in ambience. Private tables on a balcony overlooking the beach. Expensive wine and delicious food. Great service and a beautiful sunset.

“This was unexpected. You being at the Sanctuary. The drive. The drinks and appetizers.”

He shrugs. His smile soft. His fingers reaching out to play with a lock of my hair. “We’ve both been working hard. I overheard you on the phone say you were heading there and … thought it might be a much-deserved break.”

“Well, thank you. I really think you’ll be happy with the suppliers I’m nailing down. Brownstone has been a difficult one to figure out.…” I drift off as Holden shakes his head.

“No.”

“No, what?”

“No more talking about work. I just want to sit here and enjoy the rest of our wine with a beautiful view and a gorgeous woman.”

“Oh.”

He leans forward. “Yes. Oh,” he mimics me moments before he presses his lips to mine.