Page 83 of Final Proposal

“A relationship shouldn’t be this much work. You either love me or you don’t, but I shouldn’t have to try and coax it out of you. I shouldn’t have to try this hard to make you love me.”

“But I gave you everything I could. I gave you everything I’m capable of giving.” I take a step toward him, and he takes a step back.

Fight for us.

“Look, I know you’ve been handed a shit sandwich in life . . . but your abandonment issues aren’t my problem.”

Fight for me.

“I gave you everything I could.”

I’m worth it—the fight, the effort, the trouble—I promise.

“Look, I thought I loved you. I thought I could cope with you not saying it back to me. But then I met someone . . . and I realized that what you gave me just isn’t enough.” Josh hangs his head for a beat before looking back up to me. “Goodbye, Ellery.”

I watch him leave when I want to beg him to stay. His broad shoulders. His tall frame. Then the closed door itself.

I love you.

I loved you.

I forced myself to believe when the thought suffocated me. I allowed myself to think of possibility before the fear.

I let you in, Josh.

I let myself hope.

I let myself believe.

I let myself love.

Even when I was terrified of loving because I know the pain that comes with it.

I let myself love.

I thought maybe this time would prove different. That I was worthy of the love everyone talks about. That everyone gets to experience.

But clearly, I’m not.

“I realized that what you gave me just isn’t enough.”

I’m done. Broken. Sure, my mom was strong enough to try to love again, but I’m not her. She only lost my dad.

I lost him.

Then her.

And now Josh.

Love leads to loss, even when you try your hardest.

And especially when you’re someone like me.

“I thought I loved you. I thought I could cope with you not saying it back to me. But then I met someone . . .”

He’s right. He deserves the love I can’t give him freely. The same love that is a double-edged sword for me. I can’t fault him for wanting more.

For leaving me.