Page 41 of On One Condition

I choke on my sip of wine. “Way to be blunt.”

“Is there any other way to be?” She dazzles me with a smile. “How about I be even more blunt?”

“I have a feeling it doesn’t matter if I say yes or no because you’re going to say it anyway.”

“Glad we’re on the same page.” She gives a definitive nod and then chuckles. Oh, she’s definitely starting to feel her wine as much as I am. “So here’s the thing. If you want to continue to hate him as you have every right and are so desperately trying to do . . . then girl, let’s just admit that there is nothing wrong with a good, angry, hate fuck.”

“Jesus.” I try not to spit out my wine. I was not expecting her to go there. But then again, it is Nita. She holds nothing back.

“What? Are you telling me that a bout of hate fucking isn’t good for the soul? The back-scratching, shoulder-nipping, skin-bruising variety of sex?” She mock shudders in pleasure. “It’s invigorating. Primal. Incredible. Maybe that’s exactly what you need to get over this hump and . . . I don’t know. Forgive him. Write him off. Use him as he used you.”

I absolutely hate myself for picturing what she’s saying. For imagining his lips on mine and that deep tenor of his voice groaning my name. For being turned on by it. For wondering what Ledger’s like in bed. Because with age comes practice and . . . yes, now I’m definitely wondering.

“You’re delusional,” I say despite my body’s visceral reaction.

“Perhaps, but you know I’m right.”

“Well . . .” I say and give her a look saying I can’t argue with her, which prompts us both to burst into laughter.

“There is another option too.”

“What? The option that this conversation is ludicrous and you’re out of your mind?”

“You have deflection down to an art form. It’s really rather admirable.”

I know she means well, but Ledger has already taken up too much free rent in my head since that night at Hank’s. I’ve run every scenario through my mind. I’ve rationalized and justified and tried to understand how I can still desire a man who hurt me so deeply. It has to simply be physical attraction, right? Because we’re nowhere near the same people we were years ago.

Stop saying the past is the past, Ash, if you keep dredging it up.

My only conclusion has been that it’s probably best to keep him at arm’s length. Self-preservation at its finest.

At least, that’s my current theory.

And at the end of the day, the decision to sleep or not to sleep with someone is mine regardless of how hot Nita’s description of it might be. Sure, Ledger is incredibly attractive. Yes, there is no question about our chemistry. But he lives in New York City, and I still live in Cedar Falls.

That one fact hasn’t changed over time.

Then there’s the fact that if we were to . . . act on this tension vibrating between us, it would merely be a fling. That’s all it could be. Call it self-preservation or learning from past mistakes, but I simply don’t have time for a fling. Not one I already know will hurt me in the end.

Plus, I prefer to not give the Judy Jensens of this town more fodder for their gossip. The rich city guy choosing me and not one of them just might push them over their pretentious edges.

“Yoo-hoo. You still with me?” Nita asks as she passes her hand back and forth in front of my face.

“Yes. Sorry. Just thinking about something I forgot to do today,” I lie.

“Like Ledger?” She laughs at her own joke while I roll my eyes. “I still think you should call him.”

“Maybe,” I say for the sake of ending this discussion.

“Now’s as good of a time as any.” Nita looks at my cell phone on the table and lifts her eyebrows.

“Tomorrow’s an even better one.”

We both burst out laughing. “You’re being ridiculous.”

“I know I am, Nita,” I say, rising from the table and enveloping her in a hug from behind. “But is it so wrong that I want to sit here with my best friend, drink till I’m tipsy, and dance with some random man who’ll probably step on my toes more times than not? Uncomplicated is my goal for tonight. I’ve had a shitty week, and I want to stop dwelling on the fact that the one and only man I’ve ever let break my heart is somewhere in this town tonight. Maybe I’ll call him. Maybe I won’t. But the one thing I know for sure is I want another glass of wine, and then we’ll go from there.”

“Whoa, girl. Take a breath.” Nita laughs. “Anything else you need to get off your impressively cleavage-ridden chest tonight?”