Page 104 of On One Condition

I lie there in stunned silence for some time, sorting through my thoughts, my options, and how each one will devastate me in one way or another. And when Ledger’s breathing evens out and his soft snores fill the plane, I dare to look up at the only man I’ve ever loved romantically.

A man who, for a small moment in time, I thought I had a future with. The man who publicly claimed me tonight, suggesting he was glad I chose him. And to think I believed it was all true.

I’m going to let him go.

I’ll enjoy the time we have left. I’ll love him within the confines of my heart alone.

This time, I’ll end it on my terms.

Because for once in my life, I won’t be taken by surprise when someone I love leaves me.

This time, I’ll choose to be on my own again.

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

Ledger

“Tell me something, son.”

I look over to my dad who’s sitting on the bow of the sailboat. The sun is bright in Sag Harbor today, but the ocean breeze has tempered the heat. He looks old. That’s my first thought. My second is how long will I have him with me this time?

His episodes are more often than not these days. Bouts of forgetfulness followed by confusion over where he is typically rules our time together.

But the water has always made him happy, and so my brothers and I have been trying to make a conscious effort to have him on it as much as work permits.

“What is it, Dad?”

“Have you ever done something you thought was for good reasons, that you meant well by it, but that never really sat well with you as time wore on?”

I stare at my dad, his silver hair blowing in the breeze and his unrelenting eyes staring at me. “Are you talking about work? Sure, we’ve all done something we did and then second-guessed it. That’s how it goes sometimes . . .”

“No, I’m talking about something I did to make sure you . . . I was scared you were going to make poor choices.”

“Dad, I’m confused. What are you talking about?”

“It’s okay, Callahan.” He smiles, and I let his confusion over him thinking I’m my brother stand. As we’ve learned in the past, correcting him only serves to agitate him.

“What poor choices are you talking about?” I ask, knowing damn well Callahan sure as hell made many.

“I should have trusted you, son. I should have known you had the best head on your shoulders of the three of you and that you would’ve made the right decisions.”

“Okay.” I’m lost but just smile and nod because that’s the only thing I can do when he starts talking in the confused circles his damaged mind spins.

“I’m sorry for interfering. I’m sorry for thinking I knew better than you did. I’m sorry for lying in order to make sure you didn’t make a mistake.”

“It’s okay, Dad. Whatever you did, I’m sure it was with good intentions.” What in the hell is he talking about?

“Thank you. I’m so sorry, Ledge. I just needed to say that to you.”

I jolt awake with a pocket of turbulence, my heart racing, and my brain in overdrive. I’d completely forgotten that conversation with my dad in the months leading up to his passing. I’d chalked it up to confusion and the disease stealing his memory and him thinking I was Callahan.

But he wasn’t.

He was talking about me. About the lie he told. About what happened in Cedar Falls.

I know this deep down in my soul. He was apologizing. Making amends. Righting wrongs before he passed.

How does that make me feel? Relieved that he had a conscience? Upset that he had to have one over what he did in the first place? Content that his guilt ate at him over the years?