Page 7 of Hard to Love

But I can’t deny the hum that’s just beneath the surface from the idea. The thrill of doing something that is normal and typical of anyone my age.

Jordan nudges me. “If you’re hell-bent on sowing your wild oats, Stevie, then the number one way to own that is to have a reckless one-night stand.”

“And you conveniently planned for this card to be pulled on my last night of freedom, didn’t you?”

Vivi’s shrug is less than apologetic. Her smile even more so. “C’mon, girlfriend. You’ve missed out on so many normal things in life that the rest of us have lived. All we want is for you to have lived a little too.”

Wasn’t that what I’d griped at them about a few weeks ago? That I felt so young compared to them. That despite having traveled the world many times over and experienced things that most people would kill for, I still have missed out on so many rites of passage.

“C’mon, Steves,” Jordan says in her sweetest voice. “You know the idea is exciting. A hot guy. Unapologetic sex. No strings attached. And after, you simply walk away. Besides, with this get-up,” she says tugging on my dark brown wig, “no one will know it’s you.”

I stare at her, my bravado uncertain about what side it wants to stand on—in or out. I can count on two hands the number of men/boys I’ve kissed. I can count on less than one hand the number of men I’ve slept with.

It’s always been about tennis. Always been my father stepping in when things got too serious to point out whoever I was with was not good enough or that he was with me for the wrong reasons.

Handcuffed.

My personal life has been like this for so long. Controlled. Managed.

Does the idea make me nervous as hell? Of course, it does. And yet I’ve heard stories from Vivi and Jordan about how exhilarating it is. How rebellious and thrilling it is to sleep with someone when you might not even know their real name.

“So . . .” Vivi asks.

. . . unless of course, you’re not brave enough to do it . . .

“Fine. Yes. I’ll do it.” My shaky inhale doesn’t reflect the resolve my words are spoken with, but I nod to emphasize it. It doesn’t matter though, because it’s drowned out by their squeals that are a mixture of both excitement and victory.

“Now it’s time you pick some unsuspecting man to fuck,” Vivi completes for her.

“Vivi!” I shriek and bat at her arm as a lascivious smile slides on my lips, and my body suddenly hums for a release I didn’t realize I needed.

“What?” She shrugs unabashedly. “We are in the City of Sin so get ready to sin. You look hot and like a woman about to do something she’s never done before. Besides, you’ll have something to reminisce about while you’re back in your own personal hell doing drill after drill after drill on the court.”

“She has a point,” Jordan adds.

“If this is truly your last night of fun before Killjoy Carson takes hold like you think, then we think you need to go out with a bang.”

“Literally.” Jordan laughs and then stands on her tiptoes as she begins scouring the floor around us.

“It’s the last card.” Vivi plucks the card from my hands. “And we agreed we’d accomplish every last item before No Fun Carson steals you back from us.”

Fear snakes up my spine. The sex part is fine. It’s the some random guy part that stresses me out.

“You’re thinking too much,” Jordan says.

“But—”

“There are no buts unless the one we’re talking about is the one you’ll be tapping tonight.” Vivi taps her fingernails against her glass. “Now the question is, whose will it be?”

“We need someone a bit older. A man who’s old enough to know what he’s doing but not so old that he can’t get it up,” Jordan says.

“Jesus.” I choke on the drink the cocktail waitress just handed me.

“She’s right though,” Jordan says and then grunts and stills when she sees someone across the way. “You only get tonight so we need to make sure he’s worth the time. What about him?”

We all look toward the blackjack pit where a man is buttoning up his suit jacket. He’s tall with dark skin, a killer smile, and an air about him that screams swagger and sex appeal.

Can’t say I’d mind that.