Page 51 of Hard to Love

I did it.

No, we did it.

And as much as I want to drop to my knees in sheer exhaustion, I need to find him. I need to find the man who pushed me when I didn’t think I could go any further. Who loved me when my mother decided she didn’t. And who has been my everything my entire life.

I look up through the sea of people to find my dad grinning from ear to ear. There are tears in his eyes. Tears I used to think made him a silly man when I was little but have now learned are charged with pride. In me.

He wraps his arms around me and pulls me against him. “You did it. Unbelievable. You did it.”

There’s an odd sense of amnesia at this point. A forgiveness of all the pain, the sweat, and the tears that got me to this point. Of the resentment over how hard he pushed me. Of the anger I had over all the things I’ve missed out on.

It’s a temporary amnesia.

One that comes with each win, with each victory achieved, before I return to reality to feel it again and again.

“I’m so proud of you, Stevester.”

The anger comes in waves as the car brakes with the afternoon flow of traffic. At the woman who might be my mom. At how she might have tricked my dad my entire life into believing he’s something to me that he’s not. At how I might not belong to anybody.

The tears slide slowly and solemnly down my cheeks. One after another, each one etching through the path of the one before it. Each one a reminder how quickly life can change.

My chest hurts and my head swims with thoughts that seem clear and then grow cloudy just as quickly.

The only thing I take solace in is that even though Liam Lancaster might not be my father by blood, he still fathered me. He was still the one who taught me how to tie my shoes, to ride a bike. The man who kissed my owies when they happened and who laid down the law, even though I still resent him for it.

He is the reason I’m here today even when he’s not, and I struggle with how I can love him as much as I begrudge him.

Finn asks questions that I don’t respond to. Do I need to use the bathroom? Am I hungry or thirsty? Do I need anything from him?

I just keep staring out the window as if the vastness will give me answers when I know it won’t.

And I keep reminding myself that Finn came when I had no one else to call. He came to my hotel room and didn’t ask a single question. He simply gathered me up in his arms like a child before using service elevators to sneak me out the back of the hotel to a car he had rented so I didn’t have to deal with any other reporters.

He came back even after he quit on me.

The thought floats in and out of my memories so much so that it’s easier when we get wherever we’re going in San Diego to close my eyes and pretend to be asleep.

The sky is overcast and the breeze smells like the sea, but I don’t want to talk or look anyone in the eyes so, it’s so much easier to keep them closed.

To let Finn lift me out of the car like a sleeping child and take me inside. To feel his arms around me as if he were my protector. To not have to be tough right now when all I want to do is fall apart.

And to allow myself the grace to do just that if I want to.

STEVIE

Vivi: I’m worried about you. Are you okay? Do you need me to come there?

Jordan: We will be there if you need us, okay, hon?

Me: I just need time to think.

Vivi: We’re here for you. Always.

Jordan: Love you.

FINN

“AGAIN, THANK YOU.” CARSON’S VOICE is soft, grateful, his concern evident in every word he’s spoken over the past two days.