Page 92 of Hard to Lose

“Do you have questions?” he asks softly.

“Do they hurt?”

“How did it happen?”

“Did you almost die?”

Questions are asked unabashedly as only kids can do, and Gunner spends time explaining to them. “They don’t really hurt anymore but they did when they happened and a long time afterward. I had to be in the hospital with lots of doctors to try and make sure I was going to heal properly.”

“How did it happen?” Robbie repeats his question.

“I was in an accident,” Gunner says. “There was an explosion on the side of the road and it hit my Humvee.”

“IED?” Gregory asks. It kills me that these boys use these terms so nonchalantly. It’s something they should never be so familiar with and yet . . . they are.

Gunner nods and meets his eyes. “Yes. An IED.”

There are more questions. Will they ever go away? Does he have metal plates under his skin? Is he embarrassed by them?

But it’s the last question spoken so very quietly that has both Ellie and me holding our breaths.

“Were you scared?” Joey asks in the softest of voices that has all of the kids turning to look at him—as if that’s the one unspoken question they all wondered about. And before Gunner can answer, Joey continues. “I bet my daddy was scared.”

My breath hitches at the question and at seeing Gunner motion for Joey to come closer. When he does, Gunner sits him on his knee and says so everyone can hear. “Yes, I was scared, but I knew your daddy, Joey. And I know he wasn’t scared. He was too busy thinking about you and your mommy and how much he loved you guys and how proud he was of you.”

Joey’s chin quivers and mine does right along with his. I watch Joey reach out and run his hand over the top part of Gunner’s shoulder to feel his scars. “Do you think he hurt?” Joey asks.

Gunner works a swallow down his throat and shakes his head. “No. I don’t. I think you guys loved him so much that all that love protected him from the hurt.”

“You sure?” Joey asks as a single tear slides down his cheek.

“I’m sure,” Gunner says, his voice breaking. “Any other questions?”

“Can we play basketball now?” Carl asks and everyone jumps up, but not before I notice Gunner whisper something in Joey’s ear that has him nodding. They sit there for a moment, staring at each other, before getting up and joining the group like that was as normal as normal can be.

But not me.

The whole scene has shaken me to the core in a way I never could have expected. I knew Gunner was a good man, but he gets these kids in a way most can’t. Even though it sounds like no one was there for him. No one held him. No one reassured him. That exchange with Joey right there might save him years of worry and stress over his dad’s final moments. But because he trusts Gunner, he’ll now believe what he said. He’ll now maybe have some peace.

“He makes it impossible, you know,” Ellie says beside me, as she wipes smudged mascara from under her eyes.

“Who makes what impossible?” I ask.

“Gunner. He makes it impossible to not fall in love with him.”

“I’m not—I can’t—”

“Sure. Justify it any way you want, but you are.”

She states it so matter-of-factly that I don’t even disagree. And maybe by not agreeing, I’m trying to pretend it isn’t true. “I have a life to get back to. A job. A family. My thesis.”

Her eyes hold mine for the longest time. They reflect compassion and understanding but also a fierce protection for her friend. “It’s funny how sometimes the things you left behind feel different when you return to them after new experiences. It’s like what was important suddenly shifts and a whole new set of things replace them.”

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

Gunner

My chest hurts.