Page 70 of Hard to Lose

“So that’s my dilemma,” I say, ignoring her comment entirely.

“What about it is a dilemma?” Dekker asks. “You tell him the truth, that you’re Chase Kincade with KSM. That you received his letter and wanted to find out how he was, who he is, and if he’s still playing. It’s simple.”

“And you explain that you didn’t tell him who you were upfront because you didn’t think anyone would give you info on this Ryan Camden guy. And, lo and behold it’s him,” Brexton continues.

I don’t respond. I can’t. The woman I was a few weeks ago would have clearly agreed with them. She would have said, I know, I’ve already done that.

But now I know him.

Now I like him.

Now . . . I’ve—

My groan is all I’ve got. I will not believe that I’ve . . . fallen for him. Gunner Camden is one hell of a catch. Maybe even the ultimate one, so it makes sense that I’m . . . taken with him. Taken with him? Jesus.

My head hurts.

No, I can’t not like Gunner. He’s one of the good guys. He’s proven that over and over again. And even if I did think I’d fallen, it’s just not possible. This isn’t possible. We live hundreds of miles from each—

“Earth to Chase. You can’t groan like that and then leave us hanging,” Brexton says.

“She’s pissed that she’s not going to accomplish one of her beloved goals. She’s going to tell him and he’s going to tell her to go to hell and then OMG, she can’t cross ‘recruit Ryan Camden’ off her goal list,” Dekker says.

But it’s more than that. So much more than that. But how do I put that in words? It shouldn’t be hard with Dekk and Brex, as they know me inside out. But where are the words—

“Chase? Talk to us. You’re not arguing. That means there’s definitely something more going on here, right?”

“I can’t tell him who I am, but at the same time, I have to tell him who I am. I’m in a no-win situation.”

“Why do you say that? Tell him. So what if he gets mad? He’ll get over it when he finds out you came to find him,” Brexton says. “When he knows that he wasn’t forgotten. That there could be an option to play again in a PR game to support other veterans. That in itself will make up for the lie.”

“I can’t tell him,” I whisper, despite seeing her logic.

“Why not?” Brex laughs. “You lied to him for the greater good of shock of all shocks, finding him.”

“It’s not the same,” I say.

“A little white lie has never stopped you from moving forward,” she continues.

I don’t respond. Can’t. My head is swimming with thoughts and ideas and what-ifs.

“You’re not hearing what she’s not saying, Brex,” Dekker says. Her voice is softer this time, more compassionate. “You like him, don’t you, Chase? Like, really like him?”

“Ohhh.” Brexton finally gets it. Perhaps Dekker heard it in the first phone call I had with her when I first arrived in Destiny Falls. Even though I didn’t even understand it at that point. “That kind of changes things.”

“We’re enjoying each other’s company. That’s it,” I say. Another lie.

“And that’s allowed,” Dekker says before we all fall silent.

“What if I don’t tell him at all?” I finally say.

“And give up all your grand plans about using him as a publicity grab for KSM?” Brexton asks.

The idea feels dirty to me now. Of using a soldier and his service as a means to promote KSM’s name.

“In the entire time I’ve been here with him, not a single second has been spent talking about baseball or pitching or that he even played in the past. In fact, the only sports we’ve talked about has been about what is being played by the kids at The Center.” I twist my lips as they allow me to cycle through my thoughts. “So even if I tell him who I am, would it matter? It’s not like he plays anymore.”

“Are you telling us this or are you telling yourself this to justify perpetuating this lie?” Dekker asks in the most well-intentioned way.