Page 49 of Hard to Lose

Nix laughs and smacks the counter again, drawing attention back on us. “Goddamn, I like her, Gunny.”

Gunner twists his lips as he stares at me. “I do too,” he says. “So you were asking Nix about the best foreplay, were you?”

“Something like that,” I reply.

“I’ve heard a lot of stories from and about Nix over the years,” Gunner says, “so if you’re into tipping cows for foreplay, then he’s your man.”

“Hey. That was low,” Nix says but their grins are wide, and the pretzel on the bar that Nix throws at him is batted away with a laugh.

“So is stealing my girl,” Gunner says as he flashes me a grin before heading down to where Aubrey is waiting for him with a drink order.

“Fucker,” Nix says to his friend’s back.

“And yet you still come here regularly to put up with his abuse.” It’s more of a statement rather than a question. An acknowledgment of how strong their friendship is.

“Always,” he says, his voice softening as he looks down to where his thumbs are running over the label on his bottle before meeting my eyes again. “I was there, Chase. I was trapped in a corner, out of ammo, shot in the hip, scared to fucking death, and praying he’d be able to save me. He was my only hope. Then I was there trying to use quick clot in his wounds to save him, because the medic was worse off than him. I was there at his Medal of Honor ceremony. And I’ll always be here for him because without him, five of us wouldn’t be here right now.”

I stare at this gruff-looking man with a standoffish posture and a sarcastic mouth and see true loyalty and gratitude when he looks at Gunner.

“I would say I understand, but I couldn’t possibly know what you guys went through.”

“Luckily, few do.”

There is a raucous roar over by the pool table where it appears someone just got seriously hustled and everyone else was in on it. We watch the ribbing and laughing, and I get the weirdest sense that everyone in FU-Bar feels like they belong here. Like they all have mutually shared experiences that they can somehow relate to.

And then I wonder why I feel like I belong here when I don’t.

But is it because of that man right there? The one whose dark hair has just fallen over his eyes and who is busy making some couple on the other side of the bar laugh.

“May I ask a personal question, Nix?”

“That depends.”

“Why are you still in Destiny Falls? I mean, I’m sure you have a family somewhere, so why did you opt to stay here after you were discharged?”

He’s quiet for a moment. The sounds of the bar filter in around us. “I think, like Gunner, it’s hard to leave this place. To leave behind the families that are still suffering and to let go of the survivor’s guilt we still feel.”

“I never thought of it that way.”

“The war stays in your heart, Chase, long after the uniform comes off.” He pauses, and then sighs. “Someday, we’ll both leave this town and live outside of it, but for the meantime, this provides a place to heal when we choose to let it.” He pushes his beer away to make room for the food we see Aubrey coming out with. “This is my home. These guys are my home. That man,” he says looking at Gunner, “allowed me to come home.”

And there is something about that comment of Nix’s that sticks with me. Long after I’ve eaten my food, had some more laughs over drinks, and fallen a lot more in lust watching Gunner work the bar. He laughs with some, lowers his voice and leans over to talk to others, all while keeping the bar running.

And it sits with me even after Gunner walks me to my car for a quick goodnight kiss before heading back in to work another couple of hours before they close.

These guys are my home. That man allowed me to come home.

Even as I open my hotel room and enter it.

Is that what I’m looking for?

My place?

My home?

Sure, I have my sisters and love them dearly, but haven’t they all found their own places? Their new homes? The men who have allowed them to make and call it a home?

Is that what they long for me to find?