Page 38 of Hard to Lose

“Ryan Camden? Yes. What about him?” She immediately has my interest. After a fruitless day yesterday asking around about him and getting nowhere, I’ll take any news I can get about his whereabouts.

Yesterday was frustrating to say the least. First, no real leads on Ryan, and then fighting my own staunch determination last night not to head to the bar—or check my phone for the hundredth time to see if Gunner had called or texted.

The worst—or my sisters might call amusing—part was that my usual chant of it’s just sex or he’s not that big of a deal, fell on my own deaf ears.

I wanted to go to the bar.

I wanted to see him again.

Because I know whatever happened to us the other night was more than sex. There was chemistry there, and I don’t have time for fucking chemistry. I have time to find Ryan, to see what happened to him and, in loose terms, take advantage of the situation for KSM’s benefit . . . and then move on.

And yet, I was surly and grumpy and even annoyed myself with it because I wanted to see him. His smile, his—

And that’s why I didn’t go.

That’s why I had to prove to myself that I didn’t need to see him. That my hours spent trying to figure out what mentorship program he worked for was simply because I needed a break in the work monotony.

I glance at the clerk’s name tag, Sara, and offer a huge smile as I wait for her to answer.

“I’m not sure what the guy’s name was, but I was driving home late last night from my mom’s house when I noticed there were lights on at the baseball field. The baby was kind of restless, kicking up a storm, and I knew if I went right home that I wouldn’t get much sleep anyway, so I figured I’d go investigate for you.”

“Wow. Okay,” I say and smile. I’m grateful for her help, but know I’m not going to haphazardly find Ryan pitching somewhere.

“I tell you, it was hard to see from where I was parked in the lot, but there was a guy out there pitching. Over and over and from what it looked like, he was throwing real fast.”

“Really?” I play along, not wanting to hurt her feelings and more than aware that real fast could mean a lot of things depending on a person’s knowledge of the game and distance from the field. “What time was this?”

“Like one or two in the morning or something crazy like that.”

“That late?” I ask. Definitely drunks out trying to relive their high school careers. And then I realize Sara’s looking at me as if she just solved the mystery for me, so I ask a question to make her think she’s helped me. “What field was this?”

“The one down off Hawley Road,” she says and points to the right of her.

“I really appreciate you telling me. Maybe it’s time I take a few late-night, early morning drives and see if I can find him for myself.”

“Fingers crossed you find him.”

“Me too.” I hold my crossed fingers up to show her.

“After you told me that you’re trying to find the man who wrote you a letter, I keep having all of these daydreams about how you’re going to find him, and it’ll be love at first sight. Like it was all meant to be. I hope it comes true, for your sake.”

I smile and nod as I say goodbye and step away. She’s a sweetheart no doubt, but I don’t live in her reality. Not that hers is a bad one, but marriage and kids at her young age? I shudder thinking of myself that young and so shackled.

It’s definitely not for me.

My no-strings-attached lifestyle suits me more than well. I can work however long I want without worrying about others. I can go wherever I want without answering to anyone.

Some may call me selfish.

I call it knowing what I want and being okay with it.

Maybe someday I’ll want what my sisters want—the white picket fence and the family that goes with it—but not now.

Not at this stage in my life.

When I emerge from the hotel lobby, I contemplate where to spend my time today. Yesterday was spent taking a small nap—great sex is tiring—and low-key queries about Ryan Camden. I even left messages for the baseball coach of a local state college a few towns over to see if he knew of any Ryan Camden but have yet to hear back.

Today definitely has to be devoted more to contract review, social media planning, and client calls.