Page 26 of Hard to Hold

I’M ON EDGE.

My life is about to take a drastic turn, and I’m scared to fucking death that once it does, it’ll take me one step further away from everything I know. And that I’ll never be able to find my way back.

I exhale a loud sigh as my agent drones on in my damn ear. “I’ve got to be honest, mate. You lost me about two minutes ago. All I need to know is if you’ve heard anything from management yet.” I stand at the edge of Johnny’s backyard and take in the view below me. Once you look past overpriced houses stacked upon overpriced houses, the valley and its greenery-hiding glass and concrete falls away to the city beyond.

The rising sun at my back reflects off the skyscrapers in the distance and beyond that is a sparkling blue strip of the Pacific.

If it’s so bloody gorgeous, then why am I missing the gloomy skies and dark pubs from home so much? It’s only been two weeks.

Because you miss the pitch. The stadium rising around you as you train. The history that you’re now a part of and afraid to lose.

Being here I feel disconnected . . . like it’s all slipping through my fingers and I can’t do anything about it.

But I’m trying to be patient, to listen to Finn, to do exactly what is being asked of me.

“Have you gone online? Looked at the papers from back home? I mean, I get you’re ignoring your publicist right now—she’s told me that much—but you know better than anyone that this is a total shitshow and shitshows take time to blow over,” Finn says. “If it does blow over.”

I roll my shoulders at the last comment and pinch the bridge of my nose.

Did I fuck up by doing this? Did I ruin everything I’ve worked for? Should I have said screw it to loyalty and paying things back and been the arsehole I’m known for?

Isn’t that ironic?

“This shit takes time, Rush. It’s not every day my client causes a riot within their own team.”

“And I already told you the answer is there to find if people look close enough.”

“What in the fuck does that mean? I’m your agent and you’re giving me this cryptic bullshit when I’m the one who’s supposed to be on your side, who’s supposed to be fighting for you.”

Then why am I here in the States?

I ask the question to myself over and over.

“I’ve been placed under a gagging order not to speak about anything else.”

“This is fucking bullshit, Rush, and you know it. I can only do what I can do with the information I have,” he says for what feels like the millionth time. However, I still remember how he came at me upon hearing the breaking news. How he shouted and yelled at why couldn’t I keep my dick in my pants and just play the damn game.

He assumed the worst, just like everyone else. “I’m the one on your side, who’s supposed to be fighting for you.” Sanderson should be the one person I don’t have to prove myself to, who believes in me as a man and a player . . . and yet . . .

“I’m here, aren’t I? I’m doing what you asked of me.”

That seems to soothe him, as he clears his throat and reins in his temper. “I know it sucks, but lying low for a bit is your best bet right now.”

“You’re in contact with the club though, right? Management? I’m in the best shape of my life, mate. At peak performance. I can’t risk not playing this season.”

“You’ll play all right, just not for—”

“No. I belong with Liverpool. It’s where I want to play,” I say, my tone letting him know I’ll accept nothing less.

“Then maybe you shouldn’t have fucked a teammate’s wife.”

I sigh and scrub a hand over my face in frustration. “I told you I didn’t—”

“Yeah, yeah. I know. You didn’t do it.” He chuckles and it grates on every one of my nerves. Its sound says I don’t believe you. It says I hear what you’re saying but it’s total shit. “Besides, it doesn’t matter if you did or didn’t, it only matters what the public thinks and unless you can prove otherwise, then you’re guilty as sin.”

“This is so fucked.”

“It is, but that’s why you’re in Los Angeles. That’s why we’re going to keep your face visible, show you’re doing good for the sport, and then we’ll get them back to the negotiating table and see what we can do. Trust me on this.”