Page 110 of Hard to Hold

“Perhaps.”

I close my eyes for a beat as the breeze tickles my hair on my cheek, and I allow myself to feel sad.

“Want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“Yes, you do.” He knocks his knee against mine. “Talk to me.”

“I’m allowing myself to be sad for tonight only. Pity party of one. And then by the time he wakes up with one helluva hangover tomorrow, it’ll be gone.”

“Just like that?”

“What he’ll see, yes. I’m the queen at hiding emotion, Johnny. You know that.” I fall silent, trying to figure out how to articulate what I’ve concluded since Rush ran into the kitchen with a grin that lit up the room to tell me he was leaving.

It’s not like I didn’t already know it was going to happen, but it definitely knocked me off balance momentarily.

“So what’s your plan then?” Johnny asks.

“My plan is to simply have fun. To have fun and enjoy my time with him. A no-regrets thing.”

“Ah, so your goal is to pretend that you’re not in love with him by pushing him back to the we’re just going to have fun, wild sex at an arm’s length, right? Do you actually think that’s going to protect your heart?”

“No.” Nothing will protect my heart. “But it’s what I need to do for him. This is his time to shine and nothing should hold him back from doing so. I don’t need him feeling guilty. I mean, we knew there was a finite time to this. To us.”

“It is the digital age, Lenn. You could make the distance work.”

“Much easier said than done.” I chuckle. “If we had been together for a year, yeah, I could imagine trying to make it work, but this is a drop in the bucket to—”

“Drop in the bucket or not,” he says, “that doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t legitimate.”

“Look, I appreciate you trying, but the best thing to do is shove my emotions away, put on a brave face, and—”

“And then I’ll hold you when you bawl your eyes out after he leaves.”

“Exactly,” I say and press a kiss to his cheek. “Thank you for that.”

“The MLS gig is up when?”

“Three days.”

“At least you’ll have some time together after that, and before he leaves, to chill together. I have trips I can take and people I can see to give you guys some space.”

“You’ve done more than enough. The last thing we’re going to do is kick you out of your own house.”

“There you two are,” Rush says, his voice a little slurred as he walks over. “You trying to steal my girl, Johnny-John?”

“Never,” Johnny says as we both rise from the chaise. “You done winning all their money at pool?”

“Maybe,” Rush says with a sheepish grin as Johnny walks past with a pat on his head and moves inside. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

Rush reaches out and pulls me against him. I fight the tears that threaten, and I fight the urge to dig my fingers into his back and pull him against me and never let him go.

The music overhead shifts to something softer and Rush presses a kiss to the top of my head. “Dance with me,” he murmurs.

“What?” I laugh, but don’t let go.