Page 61 of Dirty Legacy

Instead, I turn toward comfort.

To my wife’s wing.

Colm nods as I pass. It’s late, nearly midnight, and I dismiss him until tomorrow. Another soldier will take his place overnight. The smell of weed is strong as I go by Dawn’s room and her television is blaring, but all that fades once I’m in my own room, away from the world, heart beating steady and fast as I think about Angelina.

I’ve been looking forward to this all day, since we spoke earlier.

She’s sitting with her back against pillows. Her hair’s up, a few loose strands around her pretty face. She’s reading a book and she looks up, biting her lower lip, smiling like she’s not sure if she’s happy. I don’t move, my eyes fixed on my wife, wondering how in the hell this woman really is here, in my bed, still waiting for me, how I remotely deserve her, how I’ll ruin her in the end.

“Long day?” she asks.

“Too long,” I grunt back and start to undress.

“Oh, sorry, I’ll just—“ She looks around wildly before sinking under the blankets. “I’ll give you privacy.”

I laugh despite myself. God, how am I smiling right now? “It’s fine, Angie. I don’t mind.”

“That makes one of us.”

I do my evening routine in my boxer briefs. I’d usually put on a shirt but I can’t help myself. I want to see how my wife reacts.

Her cheeks turn pink as I climb in beside her. “Lights off?” she asks awkwardly. “Right, yeah, of course, I’m sure you need rest. Lots to do. War to fight and all.” She turns away and flips the switch beside her bed.

Plunging the room into black.

It’s a simple thing, lying in bed. Millions of couples do it all the time. But for me, it’s like a revelation, having Angie beside me. It’s heaven, but it’s also hell, wanting her the way I do, but afraid that I’ll break her the way I’ve broken everything I’ve ever loved.

That’s the curse of being the boss. Anything I get close to burns.

And so I hold myself apart, like always.

“How is your mother acclimating?” I ask the quiet, too intensely aware of her steady breathing.

“I don’t know. It’s hard to tell with her.” Her eyes are on the ceiling, hair spilled around her, and I resist the urge to reach out and touch her cheek. It’s smooth and pretty, and I don’t want to dirty it with my fingers. “She’ll find something to complain about no matter what you do.”

“You two don’t get along?”

“I wouldn’t put it that way.” She tilts her chin in my direction. “Sometimes I think growing up I was the adult and she was the kid. She had me running to the bodega when I was eight. I can’t remember the last time she bought groceries, went to the bank, cleaned a toilet, did anything.”

“It’s always been on you?”

“Always, and don’t get me wrong. I love my mother. But if there’s an excuse, she’ll find it.”

“Do you resent that?”

She doesn’t answer at first, but exhales and nods. “She’s my mom, you know? I feel so guilty, resenting her the way I do, but it’s hard not to. I didn’t go away to school, barely had a social life, mostly because I was too busy working to support her. I swear, sometimes I think the only redeeming thing about her is that stupid apartment, and I don’t even need it anymore.” She curses quietly and pulls at her hair, looking over with panic in her eyes. “I didn’t mean that. I love my mother.”

“You have every right to feel like she’s a drain on you.”

“But she’s my mom⁠—“

“And you’re her daughter.” I reach out, breaking the space between us, and gently press my fingers to her wrist. “I know what you feel. I’ve been the boss of our family for over a decade now, and every day I work to make all our lives better. But there are still problems, complaints, people who feel they haven’t been given enough and people who want more. Petty arguments, pettier grudges, and it all falls on my shoulders to handle and to mediate. And I do it, because that’s what a boss does, but there are days when I despise them all and wish I could burn them down.”

“Is that why you married me?” She laces her fingers into mine. “Trying to burn it all down?”

“You’re joking, but maybe that’s it.”

“Honestly, Connor, I still don’t fully understand what you do, but I can imagine how hard it must be shouldering all that responsibility.”