Page 71 of The Beastly Earl

"Damn the bastard to hell," he muttered beneath his breath as he wrapped his arms around the youngest Rockwood and held her close.

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Ewan struggled out of bed as he heard the excited chatter of Louisa's boys below his window. Ross's voice was far more subdued. Fire assaulted his arm and chest as he drunkenly walked to the window. Ignoring his body's shouts of protest as it intensified the fire in his upper body, Ewan pressed himself into the window frame to keep from falling to the floor.

It took a moment for his eye to adjust to the sunlight that almost blinded him as he searched the small group of people gathering in front of two carriages. The moment his gaze found her, Ewan's gut twisted violently with a pain that surpassed the physical wounds his half-brother had inflicted on his body tenfold. God help him.

The rest of his life would be an agonizingly slow death. Life had been difficult enough before, but how was he going to live in a world without her? It would be an empty existence without the echo of her laughter drifting through the air, the way her smile could light up a room, the mischievous lilt of her voice when she was teasing him. But it was the nights that would throw him into the depths of hell.

It would be agony never again to feel her soft curves beneath his hard, battle-scarred body. Perhaps worst of all would be waking up without the sweet smell of her curled into his side. Even when they'd taken his arm in the hospital field tent, he'd never really wanted to die. But this—this torment was ripping him apart.

Louisa stepped forward to climb into the carriage, and he saw her hesitate as if she was about to turn and run back into the house. The tall figure of her brother, the Earl of Melton bent his head to say something to her, and she shook her head before entering the carriage. As she disappeared from view, he released a soft sound of anguish.

Melton made to follow his sister then paused and looked up at the keep's façade. The deep anger reflected on the earl's face said the man would kill Ewan if he were in front of Melton at that moment. Ewan didn't blame the man's desire to avenge his sister's pain. Any blows the earl landed would be welcome as he was more than willing to succumb to death than live the hellish existence he knew lay ahead of him.

The magnitude of his decision to send her away was a crushing weight on his chest that only strengthened as he watched the carriages roll down the driveway. In one of the vehicles was a woman who'd made him feel whole for the first time in his life. It wasn't simply that she'd accepted his beastly appearance. It was more than that. Louisa had touched something in his soul that had been slowly dying for a long time. Now that it had been resurrected, it was only going to die again.

"For the love of the almighty, mon. Do ye have a death wish?"

At McCallum's exclamation, Ewan's last bit of strength began to give out as the man who'd been a father to him quickly reached his side. The moment their gazes met, the Scotsman shook his head with a snort of anger.

"Do nae even try to answer that, lad. I know it will be a lie."

"Help me back to bed before I wind up sleeping on the floor," Ewan snarled as the pain of watching his life vanish before his eyes slammed into him with renewed force. McCallum didn't bother to be gentle as he wrapped his arm around Ewan's waist and guided him back to the bed. The moment he groaned, McCallum released a harsh sound of disgust.

"Ye are a fool, lad. The woman loves ye, although why I dinnae know."

"She deserves better than me," Ewan rasped as he fell back into the mattress and allowed the older man to swing his legs up onto the bed.

"Aye that she does, but it's her willingness tae put up with ye that is the true miracle."

"Go away, McCallum. Leave me to lick my wounds in peace."

"I have never seen such a hard-headed Scot in all my life."

"I did the right thing. I have nothing…nothing to offer her."

"Sweet mither of God, mon. All the lass wants is your heart. A woman such as that is hard tae find."

"Go away." Ewan waved his hand at the man as he closed his eye. "I want to sleep."

"Aye. That's the way to run away from your problems."

The man uttered a vicious oath of disgust then walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. It emphasized how frustrated the Scotsman was, but there was something in the retainer's manner that made him think the man was more disappointed in him than anything else. Ewan drew in a hiss of air as he moved slightly only to be punished by his body.

Would his old friend understand his decision better if he knew the last of the Argaty line had died at Ewan's hand? It didn't matter. He knew the truth. He had nothing to give Louisa in return for her love. Offering his heart and maimed body to her wasn't enough to overcome his inability to provide a name or home. He'd done the right thing, even though it was destroying him with every passing second. Slowly, he allowed himself to sink into the darkness swallowing him whole until he drifted into oblivion.

Chapter 19

Ewan dropped another book into the satchel he'd set on the flat surface of his desk. It had been almost a week since Louisa had left, and Argaty Keep had never felt so cold, forbidding, or empty. He constantly found himself listening for the sound of her laughter or a glimpse of her riding across the moor as she loved to do. It was pointless to yearn for her, but it was impossible to stop himself from doing so.

They'd buried the dowager countess two days after her murder, and the inquest yesterday had been a formality as the constable had confirmed Gilbert had killed his mother then attacked Ewan. At the time of the dowager's funeral, his injuries had still been painful, but he'd attended simply for the sake of propriety.

Even though he understood why Lady Argaty had loathed him, it still didn't make it easier to forgive her or his real mother for their deception. Wallis had tried to speak with him several times, but he'd refused to see her and had ordered Asadi not to let her into his study. The whole matter was an open wound that hurt worse than his physical ones, which had healed almost completely thanks to Dr. Munro's skilled work.

He picked up another book to check the title and put it with the growing collection of books he was leaving behind. Traveling light had never been an issue for him, but for once he was allowing himself to carry a little more than he usually would. It had been impractical to take more than a couple of books with him to the Sudan, but he had a little more leeway now. He wanted a few of his favorites with him as companions when he was alone.

"Argaty sahib, you take this?" Asadi appeared at his side and held up a small package wrapped in colored paper and a simple white ribbon.