Page 36 of The Beastly Earl

“How long have you been with the earl, Asadi?”

“I cared for Argaty sahib at hospital. He needed help without his arm.”

“That was very kind of you.”

“I owe Argaty sahib my life. He gave his arm to save me.”

The awed reverence in Asadi’s voice, made her flinch. Dear God, how could she have been so blind? She’d misjudged Ewan so terribly. Unwilling to ask for any further details for fear she would cry in front of the child, she simply nodded her head and didn’t probe any further.

One hand cupping her elbow, Asadi guided her down the hall as they walked in silence. When they reached her room, Louisa hesitated at the doorway afraid of being alone with only the past to haunt her. Asadi opened the door, and when she didn’t move, he gently nudged her forward.

“Selkirk sahibah will make tea for you, and I will bring it.”

“No, thank you. I'll be fine."

With a small smile at the boy, Louisa turned away and entered her bedroom. Still feeling wobbly on her feet, she pressed her back into the solid wood door for support as it snapped shut. Eyes closed in regret, she shuddered at her behavior in Ewan’s study. Caleb had been right to berate her so harshly when he’d appeared to her. She’d misjudged Ewan terribly. In her self-righteousness, she’d tried, judged, and convicted him without knowing the truth. Her brother’s words floated through her head.

“The boy isn’t his, Louisa. Do not repeat the past and judge him as quickly as you did Devin.”

A tear threatened to escape from beneath a closed eyelid, and she released a soft sob of regret and self-recrimination.

“They were words you needed to hear, little sister.”

The affectionate childhood endearment echoed gently in the air around her as her brother’s translucent, shadowy outline materialized in front of her.

“I know,” she choked out. “I had no right to judge him. I’m the one who should be judged.”

“You’re the only one judging your words and actions, Louisa.”

“How can I not?” She raised her hands in a violent gesture of denial. “I told him I wished he was dead.”

“Do you think you’re the only one who has ever said things in the heat of anger? Words that can never be taken back?”

“No,” she whispered as she admitted the real truth. “It’s more than that.”

Her sin wasn’t just in the words she’d said the night Devin died. It was the realization that her love for Devin had been no deeper than his. She’d failed to love him in the same way she’d always wanted to be loved. They’d been content, even happy, but deep inside she’d always known there had been something missing.

Their marriage had lacked the deep, loving bond she’d wanted so desperately. She’d dismissed her desire for such a profound connection as nothing more than a foolish woman’s romantic notions. The expectation of wanting something more from Devin had always made her feel ungrateful in the face of the contentment they’d shared.

Even now, she still wondered if she were being too selfish to have wanted more from Devin. Although she’d always been overjoyed her siblings had found love in their lives, she’d never admitted until now how envious she’d been of their happiness. The memory of Sebastian confessing he would never keep a secret from Helen had made her heart weep that she and Devin had not shared the same trust and commitment. She closed her eyes as tears pushed against her eyelids.

“He loved you, Louisa. He loved you very much, but even he would admit it wasn’t in the way you wanted or deserved to be loved.”

Caleb’s quiet words made her draw in a sharp breath as she realized her brother had seen deep into her heart. Her chest tightened painfully as an invisible caress brushed over her cheek to wipe away a teardrop that had escaped to roll down her cheek.

“Sebastian has always been your rock and loved you dearly in spite of your faults, Louisa. Everyone has, but of all of us, you know I’m the one who understood you best, little sister.”

At the gentleness in her brother’s voice, the tears she’d been holding back blurred her vision as they rolled down her cheeks. Her sobs echoed softly in the room as she struggled to forgive herself for all her faults. An invisible caress brushed across her cheek and ended with a gentle tug on her ear. Startled, Louisa gasped at the touch. It was the same caress Devin had always used when she’d been repentant for something she’d said or done. It had been a loving acceptance of her apology, as well as a gesture of understanding for her impulsive, rash manner.

“Devin?” she whispered.

Her gaze searched the room for his shadow, but she was alone. Even her brother’s shimmering image had vanished. The only response to her small cry was silence. With a sob, she stumbled her way to the bed and sank down into the mattress. A soft creak filled the air, and tears still coursing down her cheeks, Louisa turned her head toward the noise.

Dusk had settled on the moors, and the shadows filling the room seemed to move on their own in front of her teary-eyed vision. Overwhelmed with remorse and sorrow, Louisa sank deeper into the bed and continued to sob. In her grief, she failed see the shadow moving stealthily along the wall and through the secret door Robert the Bruce had once fled through.

Chapter 9

Louisa accepted McCallum’s hand as she descended from the carriage. Once she was standing on the drive in front of the keep, the Scotsman moved to the back of the carriage to retrieve the purchases made in the village. As she shook out her skirts, the boys tumbled rambunctiously out of the vehicle behind her. Their boisterous laughter had not stopped the entire time they’d been away from the keep. Ross’s behavior was as cheerful as her sons, and she marveled at the difference in him from their first meeting.