Page 13 of Yes Now Yes Forever

“This is one reason why Jonathan and I wanted to meet in person. We’re hoping the private eye might be able to give us a little more information on everything that’s been going on,” Eli said, letting out a heavy sigh before releasing his hold on me so I could slide off his lap.

Once I was standing, Eli’s hand gripped my hips and turned me to face him. With him sitting, it brought us to eye level, and I felt the weight of his gaze on me. It didn’t make me nervous, quite the opposite in fact, I felt truly seen and acknowledged. “Petal, I’m not planning to head out until after Dr. Mann leaves. I know she mentioned it might be helpful for us to join in part of your session, but only if you feel it will be helpful.”

I smiled as I reached out for his hand, which was resting on his lap, and squeezed it. “I don’t think you know just how much it means to me that I have your support.” I paused and looked at the rest of my pack. “That goes for all of you. Since the moment we met, you’ve done everything in your power to show me how much I matter, even when I don’t always believe it.”

The guys gathered around and smothered me in a group hug which had me laughing as they all tried to kiss me at the same time.

In my heart of hearts, I pleaded and prayed that this new family I’d found myself in wouldn’t be taken away from me until we were old and gray.

Promptly at eleven, the doorbell rang loudly through the house, startling me since I didn’t expect it to be quite so blaring. I set aside the crossword I’d been working on and headed for the door. With a quick glance at the small screen on the security system, I saw it was Dr. Mann and knew it was safe to open the door.

“Good morning,” I greeted and stepped aside so she could enter.

Dr. Mann smiled, and her bright green eyes shone with a welcoming warmth. “It’s so good to see you looking well, Lyra.”

The last time she’d seen me was at the hospital the day after the meltdown. I could only imagine the impression I gave off, looking like a drugged ragamuffin.

“Can I get you anything to drink? Water? Hot tea?” I asked, leading her toward the kitchen.

“Thank you, but I’m fine for now,” Dr. Mann assured me.

Nodding, I tucked my hair behind my ear, unsure of why I was so nervous about her being in my home. There wasn’t anything for her to discover about me or my fellow packmates that would raise any questions. Yet, I felt incredibly vulnerable.

“Do you have a spot here that you feel the most comfortable in?” Dr. Mann asked as if she could see my mind beginning to spiral.

When I’d opened the door, a gentle breeze brushed against my skin, letting me know it was a pleasant day. “Let’s head out to the patio. It’s small, but I think the fresh air would do me good,” I decided and led the way. “I’ll be honest, I haven’t left the house since I returned from the hospital. It wasn’t until today that I felt remotely restless and willing to consider trying to get back in a car.”

Dr. Mann held off from responding until we both settled into the pair of wicker patio chairs. “I’m glad you took the time you needed, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. What you experienced took a toll on you mentally and physically for the second time. Then when you add on how your memory is coming back to you, it’s forcing you to face this traumatic event head on.”

I sighed and slumped against the chair, taking a moment to look at the bright blue sky. “How, how could a mother choose to kill herself and her daughter? I’ve suffered just as much loss, but the thought of giving up and leaving this world wasn’t a solution I could accept. There were a few dark moments where I considered if it was worth living in so much pain when no one would miss me, but I didn’t have the courage to follow through.”

“Lack of courage isn’t what kept you from making a plan,” Dr. Mann countered, which had me shifting my attention back to her. “Lyra, for you to keep going and living your life with purpose has to be one of the most courageous things I’ve ever seen. Your mother allowed her grief to eat her alive to the point she believed it would be easier to give up. What you did was the complete and utter opposite of that. How could that not be the finest display of courage?”

It took me a moment to digest what she was saying. For so long, the story I’d been telling myself was—I’m not good enough. Everything Dr. Mann was saying, my pack had been echoing since we met. At first, I thought it was because we were scent matched. How could they not see me as perfect when I was created to connect perfectly with them? Yet for some reason, hearing Dr. Mann, a woman who specialized in dealing with trauma and abuse victims, who’s heard far worse stories than mine, was telling me that I was courageous.

“Think back to those dark times for a moment, and tell me, what was the thing that kept you from giving in?” Dr. Mann pressed as she crossed one leg over the other, her hands calmly resting in her lap as if she wasn’t forcing me to face a time I never wanted to go back to.

Feeling the need to protect myself, I raised my feet so my heels perched on the edge of the seat as I wrapped my arms around my knees. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in through my nose before letting it out slowly. As I searched my memories, I kept doing my deep breathing, trying to keep myself from panicking.

“The time I came closest to giving in to my loss was freshman year of college,” I shared, continuing to keep my eyes closed. “Since my mother died leaving me alone, I went to an all-girls boarding school. There, I was surrounded by people all the time, making it easier to ignore the loneliness. I was seeing a therapist, but she wasn’t someone who pushed me to delve deeper into my grief. She also didn’t continue working with patients once they became eighteen, which I understood. However, her solution was to simply hand me a sheet of paper with five names and numbers for people close to my chosen college who had room to take another patient.”

Pausing, I lifted my head and met Dr. Mann’s kind gaze. “It felt so brusk as if I was being dismissed and no longer important since I didn’t fit her specialty. I worked with that woman for three years, and she couldn’t even take the time to help match me with someone to take over.”

“I’m so sorry things were handled in such a way,” Dr. Mann said, her voice full of empathy. “While I can’t speak for others, I promise you if for any reason we need to part ways, I’ll make sure you have someone I trust to step in.”

Tears pricked my eyes as I smiled weakly at her. “Thank you. Dr. Barnett said the same thing when I told her I was moving. She even figured out how to do video sessions if I needed them while I looked for a new fit. Part of me had hoped I’d grown strong enough so I didn’t have to rely on therapy, but here we are.”

“Lyra, I have all the faith in the world… with the support of your pack and us working together, we’ll reach a place where you might not need me anymore. In fact, I love it when my patients reach that point,” Dr. Mann shared, then leaned forward a bit. “However, in no way do I have an issue with any of my patients choosing to continue meeting with me for as long as they like. It’s important to have a safe place to talk to someone who isn’t part of your daily life or has preconceived opinions. Being in therapy isn’t a sign of weakness, it shows awareness and determination to be the best version of yourself.”

Something about hearing Dr. Mann tell me that released tension I hadn’t known was coiled in my chest. “I’m incredibly glad I was able to find you when I did. Dealing with everything that’s going on would be ten times harder than it already is.”

She smiled so brightly that it caused the wrinkles around her eyes to deepen. “I appreciate you saying that, Lyra. Now if you’re okay with it, I’d like to go back to my original question. What happened in your freshman year to keep you going?”

“My roommate, Elora,” I answered. “For the first month, I didn’t have a roommate, and I found myself wallowing in the loss of another home and family. It wasn’t that I’d made any amazing, long-lasting relationships with any of the girls, but after six years, it had become my new normal. My fathers had always made it clear how important it was to them that I went to college, so I did. Learning was an easy escape, it gave me purpose and structure. That being said, college is nothing like a rigid boarding school.”

I shifted so my feet were tucked under me and clutched the decorative pillow to my chest. “After a few days, I felt as if I was drowning, lost in the sea of people who ebbed and flowed through life without a care in the world. Then on a random Tuesday after I finished my last class, I entered my room to find Elora. She was standing on her bed trying to hang a poster of some band I’d never heard of. The second she heard the door open, Elora turned, saw me, and her face instantly lit up. Next thing I knew, she’d wrapped me in a hug, yanking me off my feet.”

I chuckled, remembering how stunned I was at her actions. No one other than my fathers had ever been that excited to see me. Hell, I didn’t know what her name was or why she was in my room.