Page 41 of One for the Money

Tilting my head back, I blew out the smoke I’d been holding onto. A strange internal battle was raging between the need to tell them both to fuck right off and get the hell out of my room, but the small voice I came to think of as sixteen-year-old Evonnia Zuccaro begged me to be honest. I was amazed that any part of the girl I’d once been before Master found me survived.

My imagination created little cartoon versions of myself, one dressed in white, looking all sweet and innocent, while the other was full of rage and spite. They’d stand there arguing, trying to get me to see their point of view, but nine times out of ten, Spiteful Von would find a way to get rid of Sweet Von so all I could hear was her voice. Only this time, Sweet Von was standing up to Spiteful Von, making me realize this was actually important.

“I’m not ready to tell you details about what happened to me, so you’re both gonna have to be satisfied with the answer I give,” I stated, looking them both in the eye, making sure they understood.

Erik nodded and mumbled his agreement, but Bear wrapped his hand around my ankle and dragged me to him. Interactions like this weren’t uncommon for Bear—he’d rather just put me where he wanted than ask, giving me the chance to deny him. Most of the time, being held was exactly what I needed but would never ask for. So here I was sitting on Bear’s lap, his arms wrapped loosely around my waist, and his head resting on mine, nuzzling me reassuringly. The two of us had always been touchy-feely, but since we kissed, it had changed to something more intimate, and I kind of liked it.

I took one of Bear’s hands and threaded our fingers together, knowing what I was about to say would upset him on so many levels. “Here are the basics… I left home when I was sixteen and ended up in the hands of one sick, twisted fuck. He’s dead, and so is the rest of his family, something I took care of personally. I’m not going to sit here and say it’s because of him I turned out this way. You can’t become what I am if you didn’t already have the predisposition.”

Raising a hand, I stopped Erik from interjecting his thoughts on the matter. “No, this isn’t up for debate. If you knew my family and our history, you’d agree with me, hands down. Anyway, this shit sack of a human used any means necessary to manipulate me, and the way he started to do that was by finding out what I wanted most and using it against me. I didn’t realize this until it almost killed me. It’s amazing the things you see once the rose-colored glasses of puppy love are finally shattered under your abuser’s heel.”

Needing a second, I took another drag and tapped the ash into the cauldron. About two or three more puffs remained on this thing before I reached the filter, but it would be enough. I’d give them sufficient information to feel like I opened up to them and revealed some of my trauma, then we could drop the matter and move the fuck on. Shit like this didn’t get fixed by bearing your soul—what I needed was to keep moving forward. The real reason things had gotten so bad was being trapped in this house for almost a week. I had matters to attend to that affected more than just myself, and I didn’t have time to be this pathetic, broken doll when I’d spent years becoming a wolf people feared.

“Look, the matter is simple. If you don’t ask, they can’t tell you no. There’s no chance of rejection, manipulation, or ambiguity when someone gives orders or takes what they want. Pushing me to beg or reveal my underbelly isn’t going to happen,” I announced with a shrug. “Now you know, which leaves the ball in your court. Take it or leave it, but I’m not the girl who’s going to flatter your ego like some desperate whore who doesn’t see her value.”

Done with the conversation, I tamped out the cigarette and crawled out of Bear’s lap. I wanted to kiss him for not forcing me to stay there and let them pick apart everything I just said. What I really needed right now was space and some damn clothes. If I wasn’t going to get fucked, then I had other matters to deal with. Grabbing my phone off the bench at the foot of my bed, I unlocked it and lost myself in the various notifications.

“Von, wait,” Erik called, walking over to me. Seeing my expression, he paused but decided to risk coming closer. “Do you really believe that Bear is asking you to float his ego when he pushes you to tell him what you want?”

Raking my fingers through my hair, I turned my face away. “Don’t make me answer that.”

A low, warning growl rumbled behind me—he was closer than I thought. I shouldn’t have been shocked he didn’t take that response well, this was Bear we were talking about. He gripped my shoulder, forcing me to turn and face him.

“No, you’re going to look me in the eye and answer the fucking question,” Bear ordered.

Here I was, forced to face the reality I’d been in denial about and the major reason I’d blocked out every hint or signal that Bear wanted more between us. It was always going to end up here and now. I was going to watch the one person I tried not to need walk out of my life.

“Bear,” I whispered, my voice sounding weak even to my ears.

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and balled my hand into a fist, letting my nails dig into my palm, helping me keep a clear head. Once I felt my resolve bolster me, I faced Bear once more, holding his gaze as I spoke, “I won’t ever be able to tell you what you want to hear. If you’re not able to leave things as they’ve been between us, then I think it’s best you forget all about the possibility of more. I’m incapable of giving you what you need. Continue to push me, and you’ll force me to do something I can never undo.”

Those words sat in my stomach like a rock, but I stood there waiting for him to walk away like I knew he would. This man loved me with every fiber and cell of his body, but it would be a one-sided love forever. In the past few days, I’d lied to myself, believing if it was Bear, then I could find a way to make it work. Yet all I’ve done since then is caused him pain as I lost myself even further to my demons.

“How do you know you’re incapable of loving me? That’s what you’re saying, isn’t it? You believe that whatever was done to you has twisted and broken you in such a way that you’ve become devoid of love,” Bear responded, summing up what I’d said in a sentence.

“Yes,” I agreed. “Back in the movie room, you told me I couldn’t just use your body anymore, that I needed to want you and not just a pointless fuck. Well, I can’t say that. What I want is a distraction, to feel good and not think or worry. You’re a great fuck, one of my favorites, but if you put rules on sex, then I’ll find it somewhere else.”

“My goddess, as clever as you are, there are times where you’re a complete moron,” Bear informed me, causing my jaw to literally drop. “What I wanted from you wasn’t a confession of undying love and commitment. I wanted to know that I was the one turning you on and you wanted me to fuck you because you wanted my cock to fill you up. For fuck’s sake, Von, I, of all people, know what it’s like to have your past leave you with scars, wondering if anyone would find you desirable. I’m not without my own trauma fucking with my head. That was more about me than it was about you. I wanted to be sure now that you have Erik as your new pet, you weren’t craving him but fighting against your one-and-done rule.”

Blindsided by the turn this conversation had taken, I couldn’t seem to do anything other than stare at him in disbelief.

“There have been nights you’re drunk or high, and you crawl into my bed desperate to be fucked. I’ve never claimed to be a good man, and it was the only time I could give in to my desires for you, so I took every opportunity you gave me to leave my mark. On more than one occasion, you called me by other men’s names, and it didn’t matter to me because it was my cock slamming into your pussy, making you scream. I’m not telling you this to be a dick but to explain why I asked you to admit it was me you wanted,” Bear revealed as he reached out, cupped my chin, and brushed his thumb over my lips before leaning down for an actual kiss.

My chest ached with my need for him, and it terrified me even as I deepened the kiss.

Eventually, he pulled back, dropping his hand. “So what if you can’t say the words ‘I love you.’ That kiss said everything I needed to know and more. Traditional was never your style, and I don’t expect it from you. I never will, my goddess. Stop letting that bastard who’s nothing but rot in the ground for animals to shit on fill your head with things that don’t apply to you. A wolf takes what they want and chooses who is worthy to be part of its pack, killing those who dare to question her leadership.”

I couldn’t help but grin as Bear proved for the thousandth time he knew me better than anyone else in the world. “So does that mean if I decide Erik is part of the pack, you’ll be fine with it?”

“The fact you haven’t realized you’ve already claimed him is rather surprising,” Bear commented. “So to answer your question, yes, I’ll tolerate Dr. Dolittle as long as he doesn’t forget that in this pack, I’m the alpha.”

“Oh really?” I challenged, crossing my arms. “You catch that, Big Red? Apparently, I’ve claimed you, and alpha Bear gave his blessing as long as you don’t make a power move.”

Erik had been watching the whole interaction, ready to step in if things got out of hand. In a way, I couldn’t blame his reaction. The last few times Bear and I faced off, I ended up going a little mental.

“Yeah…” Erik drawled. “I’m gonna need to see those cookies you promised before I believe that’s true. As for the other thing, you forget I was in the military, and I’m used to taking orders. Besides, from what I’ve seen so far, he’s more than earned that rank.”

I shook my head and laughed. “And I’m the one people call crazy. Clearly, they haven’t spent enough time around you two.”