Page 9 of Blood & Heartache

“Do I get a choice in what we watch? I’m rather particular about what I spend my time watching since filling your mind with pointless or inaccurate information is rather wasteful,” Atticus shared.

Reaching out a hand to him, he took it slowly, then allowed me to use him to get to my feet. “I’m sure we can find something we both will enjoy watching. Now, if you could help me to the living room, we can start the search.”

In true Atticus fashion, he tucked my arm through his as if we were in the eighteen hundreds, offering me his full support as we slowly headed for the living room. He kept a watchful eye on me, ensuring he wasn’t moving too fast. His face was so serious it almost made me laugh, but I didn’t want him to second-guess himself, so I kept silent. When we made it to the couch, I had him sit in the corner so I could sit next to him and stretch my leg out. Then I handed him the remote.

“You get to pick, but I have the power to veto, and we try another option. Sound fair?” I asked, placing a pillow against his side to lean on.

Atticus nodded as he took the remote, turning on the television. It took three tries, but finally, we landed on MythBusters. He’d never seen it, but he felt the premise had promise. After two episodes, I’d fully stretched out on the couch, ending up with my head on his lap. As we watched, he absently started petting my head like I was a cat curled up on him, but I didn’t care, it felt amazing and lulled me right to sleep, which I’d gotten precious little of without nightmares waking me up. It had been so long since I lost myself to my darkness that I’d forgotten the side effects that came with it. Maybe, just maybe, having someone here might keep them at bay for a little while.

Chapter 5

The sound of Astin’s even breathing told me she’d finally fallen asleep. Even though she’d tried to hide it, I could see the dark circles under her eyes, proving my assumption she hadn’t been getting enough rest. I knew the importance of allowing your body to rest and recover when dealing with so many stressful things. It’s one of the biggest reasons I ensured I got my eight hours of needed sleep. Functioning in the world where people lived and operated in shades of gray when you only saw the world in black and white was exhausting. Many believed I was cold and distant because of my inability to relate and act like everyone else.

It’s true I don’t understand emotions the same as the neurotypical person, but I wasn’t heartless. When Astin asked me to stay with her because she desired my presence, it had me reeling. Never in my life had someone needed me on an emotional level. Normally, it was what I could provide for them intellectually with information or dealing with a task they couldn’t accomplish. Yet here I was, watching an oddly enjoyable show with rudimentary science with a woman sleeping in my lap. I’d been able to give her what she needed to feel safe enough to rest, and that was a deeply profound realization.

Master Caprioni had always treated me with respect and didn’t seem bothered by my odd requests or needs. Yet it wasn’t until Astin that I realized even he treated me differently than the other lieutenants he’d brought on. When she talked to me, I always had her full attention with direct eye contact that I craved so I could do my best to read the situation. No matter how I rambled or might get bogged down in the small details, she let me speak and share my thoughts. If she didn’t understand something, she said so, asking me to clarify. To have someone fully engaged was exhilarating, and even though she had a lesser IQ than me, she was quick to catch on if I gave her enough information.

Giving in to the impulse, I dropped my gaze from the television to look down at her as my fingers continued to comb through her hair. This was new for someone like me who didn’t always enjoy physical contact. The warmth I felt from seeing how relaxed her face was as she slept gave me a sense of pride that I’d been able to do that for her. Me, not one of the others, who have clearly been trying to parade themselves before her as men who would be a good fit as her sexual or life partner. At first, I hadn’t felt that her reason for picking me was a good one. Shouldn’t I be trying to ensure she took care of herself or keep after her about taking her meds?

Then as we sat here, I couldn’t picture the others being willing to sit in silence and allowing her not to be alone. They’d need to pester her about how she was feeling, whether she ate, what we’d do about Harvey, or even dig deeper about the connection to the founding families she stumbled upon. No, Astin had asked me to simply be a presence here with her so those thoughts didn’t press in on her. I didn’t feel the need to manage her, she was my boss, and it wasn’t my place to choose how she did things.

A whimper snapped me back to the present to find Astin clutching at the blanket I’d draped over her. No longer was her face peaceful but contorted in pain and fear. Her body started to shake, almost as if she was having a seizure. Then her mouth opened as if she was screaming, but no sound came out except a strangled gasp of air as she curled up into a ball. I feared touching her in case it transferred into her nightmare, but I couldn’t leave her to battle it alone when I was sitting here. Reaching for her, I pulled her onto my lap and wrapped my arms around her as I tucked her head against my neck. Her breath came hot and fast in little pants with faint cries of pain and fear.

“Astin, you’re dreaming,” I murmured into her ear. “You’re here in the manor with me, sitting on the couch watching TV. Wherever you think you are, it’s just your mind playing tricks on you. Focus on my voice and let it ground you to what’s real. I’ve got you. You’re not alone in this nightmare. I'm right beside you just like you asked me to be.”

Slowly, the longer I talked, the calmer she became, so I continued to whisper truths to her. I had no idea what she was dreaming about, but it was clear they were strong memories trapping her subconscious in a cycle of torment. The burning desire to save her from this had me hugging her to me as tightly as I dared, resting my cheek on her head.

“There is nothing to fear, Astin. You’re here with me, safe and sound in your home,” I said, trying to think of things that could help. As much as I wanted to save her, I wasn’t equipped with the knowledge to make it happen.

Shifting her slightly, I pulled out my phone and searched the ten contacts I had saved. Selecting the name I needed, I waited as the ringing began. When they didn’t answer, I called back right away, worried they would see it was me and chose not to answer because of it.

“Atticus,” Ryker answered with a tired tone as if the idea of talking to me wore him out.

“Astin is having a pretty bad nightmare, and I don’t know how to help her,” I explained as simply as I could, not wanting to risk him hanging up on me.

There was a beat of silence before he answered, “Where are you?”

“Her rooms, on the couch. I’ve got her in my arms and have been trying to talk to her, but it’s not doing much other than to get her to stop shaking,” I informed him, not sure what would help to know.

“Okay, I’m on my way, but I’ve got to grab Luca first. Just keep doing what you’re doing, but maybe move her to the bed so you can tuck her into warm blankets and hold her with more of your body touching hers,” Ryker instructed.

“You want me to get her naked? I highly doubt that’s going to make her feel safe or comfortable,” I argued, not understanding his logic.

“No, Atticus, I don’t want either of you naked. What I meant is that you need to be the big spoon, tuck her back to your front so you can hold her against you,” Ryker snapped.

I chose not to hold his irritation against him since he became irrational whenever it came to Astin. “Understood. I’m hanging up now and moving her.”

“Good, be there soon,” Ryker said, ending the call.

Tucking my phone back in my pocket, I hoisted Astin more securely in my arms before standing up and heading to her office. Thankfully, the door to her bedroom was cracked so I could use my hip to open it. I wasn’t sure my coordination was up for being able to turn a knob while I had her in my arms. I was fairly certain that accidentally dropping our new boss and leader of the Caprioni Family would not be a good choice if I wanted to keep my role. Stepping into her bedroom, I was amazed to see such a giant bed that was far more than one person needed. Seeing as the both of us were going to be in it, I appreciated the room, even if it could fit two more people besides us. Placing her on one side of the bed, I pulled back the covers then placed her there. When I tried to step back, her hand snapped out, grabbing my wrist and clinging to it tightly.

Rolling on her side to face me, the pain etched on her brow had me kicking off my shoes and crawling in beside her. Instead of putting her back to me as Ryker suggested, I cuddled her close, feeling her bury her face in my neck. I hitched her leg over mine so I could fit mine between hers, pressing her as close as I could. The whimpers started to get worse, and the telltale wetness of her tears had me almost panicking.

Had I hurt her? Was something else wrong? Did I just make things worse?

“Please, don’t let them take me down there,” she pleaded. “I can’t take any more pain. Please, please tell Daddy to make it stop.” Her voice sounded so much younger and filled with terror as she begged me to help her.

“I won’t let them hurt you, Astin. You’re safe right here with me,” I promised. “You’re just dreaming. All you need to do is wake up, and it will all be over.”