Page 57 of When The Mountains Held Us

Something’s got to give, and I hate that it’s going to be me bringing it up to him. I can’t keep living like this, in this constant state of limbo, where it feels like I’m the pathetic nerd drooling over the star football player. It’s like high school all over again, and I, for one, am not going to stand for it in my adult life.

I’m sick of being treated like I’m delicate, like one wrong move or word will send me into a tailspin and leave me crying in a heap on my bedroom floor. I’m not that girl anymore.

It’s only been a few weeks since I moved to North Creek, and I know things have been rocky, but for fuck’s sake, I’m trying here. The least he can do is show me the decency of treating me like I can take care of myself. I appreciate him looking out for me, but at this point, it’s sending me mixed signals. I’m distracted every single time he’s here when I’m working, and yeah, my job isn’t that hard, but I don’t need a fucking babysitter.

I’ve officially exited the poor me stage and jumped straight into the bite me stage. My parents raised me to be independent, to look after myself and never find myself relying on anyone else for my own happiness. That’s the woman they taught me to be, and I’ve been fighting tooth and nail to pick myself up and get back to her.

Levi plagues my dreams nearly every night, making the nightmares I used to have so few and far between now that I almost forget that there was a time where I’d have them every night. In a way, the dreams of Levi are almost worse. They follow me into my waking hours, and there’s only so many times I can push them to the back of my mind before they come bubbling up and spilling out.

Even as I contemplate all of this while mixing a tray of green tea shots for the freshly twenty-one-year-old girls standing expectantly in front of me, I know that I’m not going to be able to bring it up to him.

Who am I kidding? I’m not that brave. Not nearly brazen enough to fling myself off the cliff and take a chance that maybe he might feel the same way about me. And why should I? Shouldn’t it be him chasing me?

I sound like a lovesick fool, and feel like one too. Maybe I’m so touch starved that it’s starting to affect how I’m perceiving our friendship. Because that’s what we are—friends. I wasn’t so sure in the beginning, but it’s clear to me now that we’ve built a friendship around each other. But living with the man is becoming unbearable! Knowing that he’s only a few steps down the hallway, living in the same space as me while we exist in two completely different worlds, is maddening.

I line the shots up across the bar for the girls, their squeals of delight grating on my already frayed nerves as I process their payment.

Maybe I need to fuck him out of my system. A one-time thing to satisfy this ache inside me, and then we can go back to being friends, or roommates, or whatever it is that we are. It’ll be nothing more than a means to an end. Besides, who am I to think that I have any business starting a relationship with someone so soon after all that shit with Travis went down? I’m still healing.

What I don’t know is how long I’m supposed to heal before I start thinking about getting involved with someone else.

I watch the girls take the shots, slamming the glasses down on the bartop and demanding another round. One of the girls wraps her arms around another, screaming a shrill, “I love you!” in her ear. The girl returns her friend’s affection, and, despite how drunk they obviously are, it makes me smile a little, despite myself.

“Hey, babe!”

I’m pulled from my thoughts and look up to see Jessie standing in front of me on the other side of the bar. I haven’t seen her since our impromptu hiking trip last weekend where she took me on easily the toughest trail I’ve encountered yet, but damn, was the view at the top worth it. A grin splits my face.

“Jessie! What are you doing here? I didn’t think this was your scene,” I shout over the thumping music. She shrugs.

“I thought I’d stop by for a bit. I figured you’d be working, and I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

“We just went hiking last weekend,” I joke with her, and she rolls her eyes at me, flipping a lock of her hair over her bare shoulder.

“Yeah, yeah. Like I said, it’s been forever! Can I get a vodka soda?”

“Coming right up.” I grab what I need for her drink and make it on the bar in front of us, leaning closer so I can hear her better. “Justin’s here,” I tease, and she scoffs, but I don’t miss the slight pink in her cheeks.“He’s over in the corner booth with the guys. I can bring this over to you if you want to go join them.”

“That’s okay, I can wait.” She plays with the silver ring on her thumb, twisting it around her finger, clearly wanting to say something else.

There’s an undeniable tension between Jessie and Justin, and it’s clear that there’s some history she hasn’t yet shared with me. As curious as I am, I refuse to rush her. Not until she’s ready. Still, I can’t help but wonder what happened between them that has her so obviously nervous to spend any time with him. They seemed okay when we hiked to the waterfall.

“Out with it, Jessie.”

“I know he’s an ass like ninety percent of the time, but he’s nice to look at.”

I give her a knowing smirk and waggle my eyebrows suggestively.

She groans. “Actually, you’re right. I’m being stupid. Maybe he hasn’t seen me yet. I’ll just down this real quick,” she grabs the drink, throwing it back and gulping it down until the ice clinks in the bottom of the glass, “and make a break for it before he notices.”

“I think it’s a little late for that, love,” I say, pointing to Justin, who’s making his way over to us. He stops to stand behind her, and she doesn’t turn around, but her eyes widen.

“He’s right behind me, isn’t he?” she asks nervously.

Justin grabs her around the waist, lifts her, and twirls her in a circle, nearly knocking over not one, but two people before placing her back on her feet.

“You just couldn’t stay away, could you?” he drawls, and Jessie’s face goes beet red with rage. Or is that… embarrassment?

“Let go of me, you idiot!”